The serial killer/shaman lifted the hood of his black robe as he approached the half-made wall of demon parts where Urizen toiled. The human hair and tarantula fur from which his cowl was woven rose up briefly, like burnt razorgrass in a simoom, then settled back into itself. Unveiled from the shadows of his hood, the serial killer/shaman's golden eyes glowed in the desert air. He glared down at Urizen. The hunchbacked ogre was stirring blood-mortar in the excised lair of a gigantic trap-door spider. The serial killer/shaman nodded in his direction. Urizen's eye contact lasted only long enough to return the gesture, but in that moment an infinity of pain and sorrow leaked through the monster's stare. Urizen quickly turned away and pasted another

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 31, 2009).]
 

Give your serial killer/shaman a name. Serial killer/shaman is a little impersonal.

A few things.

Trap door spider lairs are rather small to be mixing blood mortar in. At least they don't quite do the trick for my blood mortar. I prefer waxed bison skulls myself.

It isn't clear to me who's gaze had the infinity of pain. It also wasn't clear who was pasting the body parts. Urizen or the serial killer/shaman.

I was glad to see a good use for all the body parts Oneirophage had left over from his fight with the Necrodelic in Chapter Nine of Demonmachy.

I loved the waving action of the taratula/human hair on the serial killer/shaman's coat.

 

I enjoyed the vivid imagery :)

I found serial killer/shaman unwieldy, but I'm guessing this is intentional.

I had to look up simoom, but that's probably just me - I fail at crosswords :)

I was unsure if golden eyes blazed was meant to be taken literally (they really are on fire), or if it was figurative (they're just a bright gold colour)

The order of then settled back into itself. then as he unveiled his face to be disconcerting, seeming as if I'd finished up with the action of unveiling his face only to go back to it.

and glanced down at Urizen. seemed too trivial given his blazing golden eyes, it felt more like 'glare' fitted the scene for me.

I also had an issue with visualising the scale of the spider's lair vs otherwise ostensibly human-sized characters.

I can't answer whether I'm hooked or not because it's not a genre I'd normally read anyway, however I couldn't see a significant motivation to keep reading apart from an explanation of why someone would be pasting a wall with gore (and as I say, it's not enough of a question for me to personally keep going).
 

Waxed bison skulls, huh? Sounds like you bought some severed heads from the counterdemons in my other story. Don't forget to make brain smoothies when you empty them.

Second Version:

The serial killer/shaman lifted the hood of his black robe as he approached the half-made wall of demon parts where Urizen toiled. The human hair and tarantula fur from which his cowl was woven rose up briefly, like burnt razorgrass in a simoom, then settled back into itself. Unveiled from the shadows of his hood, the serial killer/shaman's golden eyes glowed in the desert air. He glared down at Urizen. The hunchbacked ogre was stirring blood-mortar in the excised lair of a gigantic trap-door spider. The serial killer/shaman nodded in his direction. Urizen's eye contact lasted only long enough to return the gesture, but in that moment an infinity of pain and sorrow leaked through the monster's stare. Urizen quickly turned away and pasted another

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 31, 2009).]