I got my hands on the story and ripped it up one side and down the other. I tried to add a bit of atmosphere and I think finally found my MC's voice. I think it's finally done! Now to throw it on the mercy of the court! Meaning, of course, that I'd like some readers if anyone is still interested. The word count sits at 921. (Bent Tree and philipmcclelland: I already sent it your way)And now that I've edited the crap out of it, here's the first 13:
The horde shifts like filth in a flooded storm drain. We are driven only by the instinct to gorge. In the twilight, our shuffling steps and distorted utterances echo against the canyon walls. An inhuman scream comes from above, followed by an earthshaking thump nearby. I lurch toward the noise, maddened by the smell of blood. My ragged nails tear into the stallion’s warm and broken body. I choke the bloody flesh down my dry, ill-used throat. I rip into its belly. The others crowd in, shoving me aside. Snarling, I clutch my dripping prize. My teeth sink into the offal. The feel of my mouth filling with blood and entrails sickens me, but fighting against my “brothers”, I devour it. Blood and fluids drip down my face and chest as unchewed intestines slither down my unlubricated esophagus.
Thanks guys! Oh, and Unforeseen Circumstances is just the working title.
[This message has been edited by melme54 (edited March 31, 2009).]
Where is the story going? i think that you have spent a little long on describing the attack on the horse at the expense of direction. As I was reading I thought ot myself 'Yeah, I got it--zombie eats horse--what next?"
The prose is good.
One nit would be to change inhuman to unhuman. It's only horsemeat, after all. Maybe its just me, but I associate inhuman with a demon or other creature.
Another is that the MC gorges itself on flesh and blood when it gets to the horse swallowing down a dry ill-used throat. When it drags away its treasure of intestines, again it swallows down an un-lubricated esophagus. Didn't the blood earlier sort of, well, lubricate it?
The flow is good. The imagery is vivid. There isn't really a hook, but the setting is what drives a reader on.
Hope that helps a little.
That was harder to achieve than I thought. First, skadder, I'm kind of trying to put you into the "zombie's" head, so a lack of direction is kind of par for the course considering their nature. Would you read on or is the lack of direction niggling enough that you'd stop here?
And Owasm all I can say is D'OH! Thanks for picking up on unlubricated bit, I didn't even think of that and you're the first to notice! 
As for "unhuman" vs "inhuman", I had originally written unhuman, but my spell check told me it wasn't a word and silly me, I believed it... I'm thinking maybe nonhuman, but that seems to break up the flow of the sentence a little. Hmm... I'll think about it.
[This message has been edited by melme54 (edited April 02, 2009).]
Conflict, both internal and external, is another important component and creates goals for characters.
The intro is where you create a contract with a readers...a lack of direction could put readers off.
I'm going for subtlety, but maybe I'm being a little too subtle. I'm trying to set up from the beginning that the MC is different from the others.Oh and "Bob the reluctant zombie"? lol! There's a story in the making! (-_^)
Looks good so far though and I'll be glad to look at the whole thing if you're still after readers.
Thanks. The more crits the merrier!