Any takers?

Original 1st thirteen

The Flames of Kelkinon tell no lie to the listener, but to question that fell blaze is death. The words of his long-dead teacher echoed in the busy mind of Arch Silencer Ralad as he climbed the tower stairs. “Bloody traditions. Would anyone notice if I stopped coming to read the Flames?” He let his well-worn question hang in the dusty air, conscious of how much he had been talking to himself of late.

Ralad counted stairs as he walked. Somewhere in the two hundreds, he rested. Had the tower grown, reaching ever upward with gleeful disregard for tired old work-spells like him? Ralad giggled at the image, but in the City of Prisms, the fanciful was often the only explanation. They had made it that way on purpose, after all.

 

The first thing that hung me up was the term 'fell blaze'. As I began to read I interpreted fell as fall, not doomed.

I thought the 'giggled' did not match the cynical statement of the first paragraph.

My next view caught the discontinuity of "...no lie to the listener" and "...coming to read the Flames." Does somebody listen to the flames or read them? That needs to be resolved in the First 13 or your reader gets a muddled image.

There is not much action. Ralad walks up the stairs, rests and giggles. That's it. You might consider directly quoting his thoughts or having him huffing and puffing.

The hook, is perhaps the shifting city. Is this sort of like a city acting like Potter's Hogwarts? That's enough to get me to turn the page, especially for a 1,000 word gem, but I would rather want to know more about the flame.

Good start.
 

Also, I'm not so fond of the 'they made it that way on purpose' line. Unless it's a crucial part to the story line, you could omit it, or reword the sentiment and work it in later. Perhaps consider just leaving it as "the fanciful was often the only explanation."

I think I'd read on; feel free to email it to me.
 

It sounds interesting, though. I'll read it, if you want.