A:
Zach watched the commuters hurry past. The subway was cold, dark and acrid with odour of stale urine, but the wind-scoured, sub-zero streets above were colder still--not the place to be. He huddled further into his sleeping bag.
“Spare some change, please,” Zach repeated his litany for the five hundredth time that morning.
A grey-faced man paused in mid-stride to fumble in his pocket. He slung a handful of change down.
Zach counted the coins as they spun in the air towards the wooden bowl on the floor. Nine—no—ten spinning coins. He added it up--two dollars sixty-five in all—not bad.
The coins clinked as they landed; Zach reached to pocket them.
"No, leave them," a man's voice said, "There’s no time, Zach."
or B:
The commuters hurried past. The subway was cold, dark and acrid with the odour of stale urine, but the wind-scoured, sub-zero streets above were colder still--not the place to be. Zach shivered in his sleeping bag.
“Spare some change, please,” he said--most ignored his plea.
A grey-faced man paused in mid-stride to fumble in his pocket. He slung a handful of change down--a frown creasing his well-moisturised face. No doubt, his good deed done for the day.
Zach counted the coins as they spun in the air towards the wooden bowl on the floor. Nine—no—ten spinning coins. He totaled it up--two dollars sixty-five in all—not bad.
The coins clinked as they landed. Zach reached to scoop them up.
"No, leave them," a man's voice said, "It's time to go, Zach."
Version A revised:
Zach watched the commuters hurry past. The cold subway was acrid with the odour of stale urine, but the sub-zero streets above were colder still--not the place to be. He huddled further into his sleeping bag.
“Spare some change, please,” Zach repeated his litany for the five hundredth time that morning.
A grey-faced man paused in mid-stride to fumble in his pocket. He slung a handful of change down with a thin smile.
Zach counted the coins as they spun in the air towards the wooden bowl on the floor. Nine, no, ten flashing coins. He added it up--two dollars sixty-five in total—not bad.
The coins clinked as they landed; Zach reached to pocket them.
"No, leave them," a man's voice said, "There’s no time, Zach."
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2009).]
Now go and take your medication...
To be honest I just guessed a figure. The story isn't started except for this excerpt...I got it figured out, but not written.
Thanks for the offer.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2009).]
quote:
Maybe I'm having a slow day, but I'm trying to figure out how you would get 2.65 out of 10 coins without using half dollars.
dollar + 6 quarters + 3 nickles = 2.65
Dollar coins aren't popular here but they do exist and are more common in places like New York (which is where I imagine this to be)
I like version A the best.
I'd consider removing the '--not the place to be.' It's obvious sub-zero temperatures are not the place to be.
The coin counting is interesting, however the uncertainty expressed at 'nine no ten spinning coins', shouldn't be an issue if he is the coin/disc counter he likely is, perceiving the number of coins is part of his talent. Admittedly a nit.
The hook is very good and would definitely get me at least a page further.
quote:
...shouldn't be an issue if he is the coin/disc counter he likely is, perceiving the number of coins is part of his talent.
You must be thinking about another story! Counting coins in mid-air is only an indication that he is different...it isn't his talent, per se.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2009).]