Revised:
Scurve Vellinus sat upon the throne in the Hall of Novices. He leaned forward to observe the nine apprentice-mages standing before him in the shadows at edge of the Circle of Trial. His nephew, Diathon--he recognised his profile--was third from the left.
The academy’s senior instructor, a wizened old man of dubious magical talent, addressed the apprentices.
“You are honoured to be judged today by the most powerful Magus in the land, The Lord Spell Master himself. If the spell you have devised is worthy, you will be admitted to the order. If you fail, you will--” the old man glanced at Scurve with worried eyes, “--well, The Lord Spell Master will decide your fate.” The old man turned and bowed to Scurve, "Sire?"
“Yes, begin whenever,” Scurve dismissed him with a wave of his
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 02, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 02, 2009).]
There are some things you might think about.
You are quite formal with the Lord Spell-Master's title, then you refer to him as Scurve... all in narration. To my reading, it wasn't consistent.
I thought it ponderous when the Senior Instructor talked about being judged by the most powerful magus in the land,the Lord Spell-Master. Isn't that what Spell-Masters are... powerful?
Other than that it was more than sufficiently interesting to keep me reading on. I'd probably be disappointed by the short length after that luscious beginning.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited April 02, 2009).]
Revised above.
quote:
I thought it ponderous when the Senior Instructor talked about being judged by the most powerful magus in the land,the Lord Spell-Master. Isn't that what Spell-Masters are... powerful?
Scurve is the Lord Spell-Master and therefore the most powerful of the spell-masters. The point being is there are none better than him at magic...but certainly others can do it.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 02, 2009).]
- Owasm
Though I agree that 'turned and bowed to Scurve' does seem a little inconsistent, I preferred it when you opened with 'The Lord Spell Master'. It might only be because I've read both versions, but starting with 'Scurve Vellinus' seems to lack something. No sense of grandeur (which I think it important, given the tone of the rest of it). I think I will be outvoted on this one, but my suggestion is bring back 'The Lord Spell Master' at the start, cut out the first 'Scurve' and just have 'The old man turned and bowed. "Sire?"', and keep the Scurve after 'begin whenever' (or possibly use another term of office. 'yes, begin whenever," the Magus dismissed him with a wave' etc. Obviously you'll have to start calling him Scurve at some point, but I think you could get away with it).
Otherwise, no problems - I'd like to read it if you're still sending it out (I want to see what spells people come up with, and what happens to those who don't pass. And the whole Lord Spell Master's nephew thing should be interesting).
Daniel.
It's already changed back to something like the original...I have sent you the current version--look forward to your feedback.
Adam