Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Last Hou-Ou (SF-WIP)

This is topic The Last Hou-Ou (SF-WIP) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I am not yet ready for readers on this, but I am very interested in feedback on the intro. This is a short story I am developing from a substory of my novel.

At the center of the garden of the Le Vu Lan, beneath the full lavender bloom of the Paulownia's canopy, Asuka knelt in meditation. Fragrance and a fine mist of yellow pollen fell upon her like morning dew.

Both inwardly and outwardly, Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and had achieved a state in which she could tap into the Way-Seeking Mind, but her walls were penetrated; sweet smells and enlivened senses returned as those walls crumbled.

It is time, child

From High within the branches, the Hou-Ou craned her neck down

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree to correct four-in-the-morning typos(edited April 11, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 11, 2009).]

Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :

Well, I like it. I'm not sure about "invisible constructs of her nothingness" but I'm not sure why I'm not sure. Perhaps it feels too abstract a concept at this stage of the story. My mind, as a reader, doesn't quite grip what the narrator means by that. The sentences seem to wind, here and there, but that seems very appropriate for the subject matter. It is vividly written.

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

I'm a pretty forgiving reader so I think this works. The only hook that I see is the capitalization of "Way-Seeking Mind" but little is said about what that really is.

The writing is perfect for the content. A little purple and windy but that works here.

I normally don't bang on typo's on these but is 'mis' a word or were you going for mist? I looked up 'mis' and found no definition but I don't think 'mist' works either as I associate that word with wetness and liquid.

I like it and would read on.

~Anthony

Posted by Kitti (Member # 7277) on :

I assume you mean a fine "mist" ?

I'm intrigued, but I had a little trouble following what was going on: how can she be extending and have a wall around herself at the same time?

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

A few things to consider,
From my reading, it appears you have succeeded pulling the serenity into the scene you wish. Asuka doesn't start when she comes out of her trance. The reading intimates her acceptance of the intrusion. If she is upset, you could impose it here, setting up some tension. If not, that's fine, because the serenity is well conveyed

The inwardly and outwardly could be cut and the meaning would remain. The state that she is in, being cut off from her senses. The wall crumbling comes after you talk about vividness returning. That was a distraction and perhaps the vision of the wall crumbling should occur before you speak of the senses returning.

In your novel do you use the concept of nothingness? If you don't I would try and figure out another term. How can nothingness do anything other than being nothing?

If the Hou-Ou is doing the speaking It is time child, you might think combining the sentence. Personally, I would read the phrase easier if there was a comma between time and child.

But then, these are more nits than anything else. I liked the beginning and would continue.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Cool poetic piece, here. The parts about "nothingness" are perfectly fine to me, as I'm familiar with what you're talking about. Kind of like a built-in Zen riddle, too, which befits the piece.

"Asuka knelt in meditation"

This sounded funny to me. I can see what you're going for, as "sat in meditation" is, I believe, a common phrase, but it may be that that phrase has become so common that no one notices it's strange anymore. It kind of sounded like she was kneeling in a pile of meditation.

"Fragrance and a fine mist of yellow pollen fell upon her like morning dew."

My impression as I read this sentence was that "fragrance" sounded funny without an adjective preceding it. Might want to start off with "A (insert adjective) fragrance..."

"Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and had achieved a state..."

I think this might read smoother without the first "had", i.e. "Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and achieved a state in which she could tap into the Way-Seeking Mind" or by possibly relocating "had", such as "Asuka had extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and achieved a state in which she could tap into the Way-Seeking Mind, but her walls had been penetrated."

Another possibility might be, "Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and tapped into the Way-Seeking Mind".

Might also want to start a new sentence after "penetrated".

sweet smells and enlivened senses returned as those walls crumbled.

Might read better as, "As those walls crumbled, the sweet smells and enlived senses (perhaps insert "of enlightenment" or "higher consciousness" or somesuch here?) returned"

Another possibility might be to switch this all to a present tense, i.e. have her enter the gardens, kneel, begin to meditate, and experience the sensations of higher consciousness.

I really like this piece. The imagery and style would keep me going. Keep up the good work.

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited April 11, 2009).]