Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short SF/Fantasy

This is topic Short SF/Fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jenwithglasses (Member # 1644) on :

I would like some feedback. I've been working on this thing and I'm thinking about actually letting someone read it. What do you guys think? Does it hold your interest? Does it sound awkward anywhere?

Thanks!

"The tower is cold and slick with spray. We are on watch in this filthy weather looking for planes. Karl slaps my shoulder and I realize he’s been shouting at me.
The Schnorchel failure left me hard of hearing. The diesel engines tried to use the air in the hold and the vacuum burst my eardrums. Until my ears heal I have to read lips.
“What?”
“I’m going to talk to them. One big wave could push us right into the sea. I believe that this is unsafe.”
I bark a laugh. Only Karl would think that our officers would want us to stop following orders because they are “unsafe”.
Karl actually turns to talk to the other men. What is he doing? I reach out and clasp his arm hard."

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Interesting setting for fantasy (it feels like WW2, with planes and someone called Karl and the "Schnorchel" sounding all Schneider/Heinkel-ish). You get setting, enough background to be interesting, and character into the first 13, which is good work. My only quibbles are: 1). Karl's dialogue. "I believe that this is unsafe" is very formal language, which doesn't sound right coming from someone clearly under enough stress to oppose senior officers. 2). "clasp his arm hard" - tautology, you can't clasp something gently so you don't need the adverb here.

I'd definitely read on.

Posted by Troy (Member # 2640) on :

As would I.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Being unfamiliar with Schnorchel failure, it tripped up in my mind and interrupted the flow in the rest of the beginning.

If they are on a German submarine in WWII, which is my mental picture, I would recommend making the tower sway in the waves which would fix the scene better.

I'd read on.

Posted by Jenwithglasses (Member # 1644) on :

Thanks for the feedback

Tchernabyelo said:

"My only quibbles are: 1). Karl's dialogue. "I believe that this is unsafe" is very formal language, which doesn't sound right coming from someone clearly under enough stress to oppose senior officers"

I was trying to imply the German language without using German. Didn’t work as I had hoped

Owasm said:
"Being unfamiliar with Schnorchel failure, it tripped up in my mind and interrupted the flow in the rest of the beginning."

The Schnorchel allowed the Germans to recharge their batteries without surfacing. I wanted to explain why they would be clinging to the outside of the sub in the middle of very rough weather but I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be showboating the research I did for this. LOL

Thanks again,
Jen