Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Tempo Animato

This is topic Tempo Animato - fantasy, 1st 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

(( Edited to add version number three about 12 posts down!))

((Edited to add second version at round about post number four!))

Original:

Oooh, I'm having trouble making this character exciting. It is important that he has no ambition and it makes him so passive before the action starts...

This is a 3400 word finished fantasy short, almost ready to send out. I'm just tidying up awkward phrases and grammar.

But the beginning has given me such a head ache. I have rewritten it at least 20 times. And it still doesn't seem particularily special to me.

Any ideas on how I can make this more immediate? The piece is quite wordy and I'll probably try Beneath Ceaseless Skies or some other publisher with a literary tinge. So maybe it just needs to be intriguing enough, rather than a zip, zam, powee action packed start.

What do folks think? The story has been extensively critted so I don't need readers. I just want to get the opening as strong as I can.

Thanks,
D

Tempo Animato

Aaron Savage was, despite his name, a placid man. Unfortunately, in the city of Neu Ehrmannsdam, a lack of ambition led inevitably to starvation. Aaron hadn't eaten for two days.

This morning, the city seethed with excitement. Aaron struggled against a tide of ambitious sorcerers, and cut-throat classical musicians, all making for the Palace Arena. Someone high up had died apparently, and the duels for his position had already begun.

Avoiding the speeding sedans and helichairs of the Royal League, he slipped into the deep pastel shade of a quieter alleyway. Despite his hunger, he paused for a moment below an open window to savor a particularly lush quartet rehearsal. Let those addicted to thrills chase down the sharpest opportunities...

[This message has been edited by Dame (edited April 20, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Dame (edited April 25, 2009).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Dame,

This is a good start and I think a gentle hook will work here if the writing is tight.

Personally, I’d cut everything up until:

quote:
….Aaron struggled against a tide of ambitious sorcerers

His actions and thoughts in the 1st 13 show us his character compared to his compatriots and I presume you continue to show us why he’s different as the story unfolds. There’s plenty of time to show us the milieu and why he hasn’t eaten. I think it’s enough of a hook to tease with the situation (someone high up dying but Aaron doesn’t care) if you keep the writing nice and tight.

I thought “pastel” referred to light colors, so “deep pastel” is a contradiction. How about just “…he slipped into the shade of a quiet alleyway”?

Good luck with placing it,

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Hi Dame,

I agree with Nick, the first paragraph is more of a soporific. You've still got the hunger communicated 'Despite his hunger' in the second paragraph.

Aaron is placid, but the lack of ambition needs to be brought into focus perhaps by an event on the street before he escapes into the deep pastel of the shaded alleyway. Something like Aaron getting in the way of a vehicle and rather than participate in a confrontational situation he seeks refuge in the alleyway. Even then, he pauses to listen.

If you remove the first paragraph you have some words to play with.

You might have him leaning against the wall rather than pause.

I hope that can give you something to go on.

- Owasm

Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

This is version two. Thanks so much for your helpful comments. Let's see if this is more active...

Tempo Animato

The city seethed with excitement. Aaron struggled against a tide of ambitious sorcerers, and cut-throat classical musicians, all making for the Palace Arena. Someone high up had died apparently, and the duels for his position had already begun.

The gossip and rush meant little to Aaron. The pickings were always slim at the Palace, and the guards knew him by sight these days. He slipped between two lumbering cargosaurs and narrowly avoided being trampled by a gaggle of dark robed necromancers.

The thin men, ghost shadows flitting over their faces, cursed and hooted, brandishing deadwood staffs. Aaron let their threats slide over him. Bowing and smiling, he nonetheless pushed against the flow until, slightly bruised and breathless...

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

Hi Dame;

I really like your rewrite. It brings out the flavor of this place and gives us a glimpse into Aaron's personality along with the excitement of what's to come.

I do think you could leave the first sentence off. Your discriptions of the people and their hustle and bustle conveys the excitement without saying it directly.

I would try to find stronger verbs to replace "had". This is one thing I try to steer clear of, and it does make the wording better in the long run. That and the over use of "was" as well.

I wouldn't mind reading the whole piece once it's ready for readers. I like it .

Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

Hi Crystal,

Glad you like the rewrite so far. I'll look at the had ("had already begun,") in the second wee paragraph there.

I have popped it over to you. When you have your piece ready for readers, let me know.

Thanks for taking the time,

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

It's an interesting set up.

My take:

quote:
The city seethed with excitement. Not a strong first line since it's all telling. I'd cut it . Aaron struggled against a tide of ambitious sorcerers, and cut-throat classical musicians Okay, I loved this bit. The comparison between musicians and sorcerers was unexpected. , all making for the Palace Arena. Someone high up had died apparently I'd start the sentance with "apparently" so you don't interrupt the flow of the rest of it. , and since Aaron doesn't know this you want the "apparently to clearly apply here too the duels for his position had already begun.
The gossip Hu? What gossip? We've had no dialog and rush meant little to Aaron. The pickings were always slim at the Palace, and the guards knew him by sight these days Hu? How is this related to the first thought . He slipped between two lumbering cargosaurs and narrowly avoided being trampled by a gaggle of dark robed necromancers.
The thin men if these are the necromancers, this probably isn't the start of a new paragraph , ghost shadows flitting over their faces hu? I can't visualize what a "ghost shadow" would be , cursed and hooted, brandishing deadwood staffs. Aaron let their threats slide over him. Bowing and smiling, he nonetheless pushed against the flow until, slightly bruised and breathless...

It's a good start.

Edited for codes

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited April 22, 2009).]

Posted by Tim Young (Member # 8421) on :

What you posted here was good enough to catch my interest and keep me reading (ehr, wanting to read).

Sometime I get the feeling that folks around here put a little too much stock in the first 13. I've read plenty of published shorts that were really good whose first 13 never would have gotten out of this place alive.

Your first 13 were good enough for me. Hope that's helpful.

Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

It's encouraging, Tim. Thanks. And to the others for your detailed notes.

I will try to incorporate them and see if it works.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Dame,

I like the rewrite.

As flagged by King’s Falcon, I think you need to make it clear in your wording that it’s Aaron’s assumption that someone high up has died. He hasn’t heard the gossip and all he’s seen is the tide of sorcerers and musicians heading to the Palace Arena. He is making reasonable inferences, but I’d make sure that you’re not slipping into the omni POV without meaning to. I didn’t have a real problem with this, but the mention of the gossip might throw a very picky slush reader.

The ghost shadows threw me a little bit as well, though it didn’t stop me from reading. If the ghost shadows aren’t important in the context of the story, I’d cut it.

quote:
Sometime I get the feeling that folks around here put a little too much stock in the first 13. I've read plenty of published shorts that were really good whose first 13 never would have gotten out of this place alive.

The way I look at it, the 1st 13 is your first impression at a blind date. If you look great, then you’re probably going to get a little more leeway. If you look okay, then you’d better be pretty charming (i.e. write well). If you turn up stinking of booze, sans pants and ignore your readers, then you’re probably going to get rejected in five seconds flat.
There’s no such thing as a perfect story. You can pick apart any story, no matter who wrote it or how many awards it’s won. Plenty of prize winning stories do have a confusing or flat 1st 13.
Very few stories have a 1st 13 that knock you off your feet and it has to be a pretty bad 13 to actually stop me reading. But I’ll certainly view the remaining story in a much more positive light if it has a great opening. I’ll overlook any flaws for that little bit longer. I guess this forum is the queer eye for the straight guy for the 1st 13. Given we only have the 1st 13 to go on, we’re going to get that 1st 13 looking as good as we can, hoping that it can hide any of the little blemishes or flaws that are always in any story.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

The feedback here is great, thanks all.

I have done what I can with the crits, mainly cutting away the excess.

This is hopefully my final edit. Time to start thinking about subbing this baby...

Tempo Animato

Aaron Savage struggled against a tide of ambitious sorcerers and cut-throat classical musicians, all making for the Palace Arena. Apparently someone high up had died, and the duels for his position had already begun.

The frenzy for social advancement meant little to Aaron. He slipped between two lumbering cargosaurs and narrowly avoided being trampled by a gaggle of dark-robed necromancers. The thin men cursed and hooted, brandishing deadwood staffs.

Aaron let their threats slide over him. Bowing and smiling, he nonetheless pushed against the flow until, slightly bruised and breathless, he at last reached the sidewalk. There, the fragrant riches of a chestnut seller assaulted him with such stomach churning need he swayed, suddenly dizzy. Aaron hadn't eaten for

Posted by trailmix (Member # 4440) on :

Hi Dame,

Is it important that the MC pushes against the foot traffic? I think a decent way to characterize his lack of ambition would be to have him pushed along by it instead. He could always cut into the alley regardless whether he was going with or against traffic.

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited April 27, 2009).]