Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Widow Ring 2900 word S&S Fantasy

This is topic The Widow Ring 2900 word S&S Fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

This is the second story in the Sword of Spells series. I'd like thoughts on the start and I wouldn't mind some readers for this first draft.

Brull took a step forward, raising his black-bladed sword to strike as the floor opened up like a great fish’s mouth. He fell into the gaping maw, hurtling towards the bottom of a deep, deep pit.
Brull had barely enough time to use the swordspell of Deflection before he was shattered by the fall.
Looking up at the sliver of light at the top of the trap, he could see the sorcerer peer down into the gloom. He loaded the spell of Combustion into the sword, using it to throw a firebolt at his enemy. He heard a scream, then silence.
God’s Farts! Now I have to find a way out of this hellhole, he thought.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited April 25, 2009).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

I like an opening with lots of action, like this one.

Most of what I have are nits.

Your opening sentence is a doozy, kinda long. I wondered who or what he was striking at? Was it the sorcerer, or one of the wizard's minions? How about a little hint as to whether this sorcerer needed put down, and how Brull felt about it. Like I said, it had lots of action, but not much introspection from your MC. Just a little more please?

My only other nit was this.

quote:
He loaded the spell of Combustion into the sword

It makes me think that this magical device is almost like some kind of shotgun. Which in and of itself isn't all that bad of an idea....Hmmm...mind if I borrow it?

You can send it to me, and I'll get right to at as soon as finish my own, okay?

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

This sounds interesting. My only problem is the description of the fall. He wasn't shattered by it if he only had the wind knocked out of him.

I'll read it.

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

This has a lot of possibilities, but there are a few things that bother me:

Brull took a step forward, raising his black-bladed sword to strike as the floor opened up like a great fish’s mouth. <<It would read a lot smoother if you split this sentence in two and lose the "as".>> He fell into the gaping maw, <<"gaping maw" and "a great fish's mouth" say basically the same thing. It would read better if only one of these descriptions were used instead of both of them.>> hurtling towards the bottom of a deep, deep pit.
Brull <<I'd use "He" instead of Brull". Just a slight nit on my part.>> had barely enough time to use the swordspell of Deflection before he was shattered by the fall. <<At this point, I thought Brull was dead because he was "shattered by the fall".>>
Looking up at the sliver of light at the top of the trap, he could see the sorcerer peer down into the gloom. <<This sentence sounds clunky to me. I would reconstruct it by reversing the order of the two parts.>> He loaded the spell of Combustion into the sword, using it to throw a firebolt at his enemy. He heard a scream, then silence.
God’s Farts! Now I have to find a way out of this hellhole, he thought.

The spell of this or that bothers me too. Way too melodramatic for my tastes. Maybe say something like "he used the sword's magic to throw a firebolt at his enemy" for example.

Good luck with it.

[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited April 26, 2009).]