I think this is the opening I've settled on, unless y'all just hate it. Anyone who would like to read would be appreciated. Just the reader experience would be fine. 15,700 words.
"Brock Gossard, as a person having been found guilty of grievous crimes you are hereby ordered to undergo Neuro-blanking. Are there witnesses who have confirmed the identity of the subject in custody?" The Union Marshall in his starch stiff blue uniform was reading from a standard legal form, most likely, Brock supposed, a requirement of law for the hospital. The idiot warden and his assistant stepped forward, mumbled some practiced legalese and moved to sign several papers. Frail men, paper pushers, nothing like what real prison personnel of twenty years ago would've had to have been, back when the big prisons still existed. He could easily have snapped both their stupid necks if he wasn't wearing the collar, if he wasn't strapped into the metal chair. He quit listening; let the doctors listen if they want to. It made no difference anymore.
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited May 06, 2009).]
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
I'll give it a read. I do like the title.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited May 05, 2009).]
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I looked at your fragrament because of the lack of crits for it. I can see why you only have one. There isn't anything wrong with it. My first read I was concerned about the second sentence. It made me think wouldn't they have already confirmed his idenity?. When I read it again I believe it is consistent with the premise (from what I could see at this point). The idea is sound and your writing crisp. If you can keep this up for another 15000 words you should do well. The length is a major concern. So few markets for 15k stories.