This is a sci-fi short that I think could do with a little more jazz in the first 13. Any comments and readers welcome.

Dame

Continuity 5600 words

When the ship took control of her droids, Belen knew she had lost the battle for the cargo holds. She could only watch, grinding her teeth as the patiently grown robots tore each other apart, separating each others limbs into ordered piles. Later the ship would absorb them and mold them into armies of its own.

Embedded deep in the bridge, Belen twitched and grumbled. The debacle today had lost her centuries of effort. The ship now controlled a whole sixty four per cent of the spherical Home that housed and comprised them both. If Belen lost the life support deck, it would be the end.

A chime signaled that the ship wanted to speak. Belen ignored it. She knew the ritual of gloating, demands and weepy paranoia that would follow. The ship was long due for a reboot...
 

Initially I was confused by the stuff in the middle, but it seems I just need more sleep. I read it again and it made sense, as far as it can this early in the story. The only hang up I still had was the line "The ship now controlled a whole sixty four per cent..." I got it after a couple reads, but that could be just me. Maybe a little revision there.

I want to know what happens now; why she has a ship that could go insane, plugged into her centuries long project?

It will be a hard one to sell as the MC is not particularily human, nor mobile, and she controls things from the bridge via cables and radio, all things almost specifically designed to alienate. So it is understandable that you went a bit hunh? at the second paragraph as the first hints of her state are embedded there...

If you would like to read on to find the answers to your questions, let me know.

Thanks again,

D

The main issue I had on the first read was with Belen twitched and grumbled. I find it hard to identify the issue though - whether I'm bothered by 'twitched', or whether it's being zoomed in to the small detail of Belen's physical expression after the scope of the preceding paragraph without really understanding yet who or what Belen is.

The other issue I had which was more on the second read, was the scope present in patiently grown robots and her centuries of effort. This makes me first wonder if (1) due to the preceding scope, the story that follows must take on a long duration and so make it harder to identify with the character 'at the moment', or (2) the story will occur in a relatively short period of time, but the jolt in time period will seem too artificial. My other concern is whether Belen is human at all, or perhaps just another artificial intelligence separate from the ship, and whether this should be withheld or declared up front.

Although not bothered by it, I did also wonder if the ship had a name - and if so, when it would be introduced.

 

The line "...grinding her teeth as the patiently grown robots tore each other apart, separating each others limbs into ordered piles." seemed a little odd to me. What does "patiently" modify in this sentence? I would assume "tore" since it is an adverb, but the placement seems odd. Also I couldn't visualize robots tearing each others limbs off since after a moment the robots would have no limbs to do the tearing.

Other than I found it intriguing, and the conflict is clear quickly.
 

D