The thirteen lines could stand some critique, I guess, but what I really would like is for some volunteers to read all of it. It's not complete, and what I have so far is about 2095 words, so it won't take too long to read all of it. Volunteers to read all wanted !
Thirteen lines:
Smoky incense rose from the table candle, scenting the air with some flower's smell. As much as Montie liked The Dos Sabado Restaruant, he couldn't stand that ****ing incense. Immediately, he moved his hand to swat the candle across the room, but withdrew after thinking better of it.
Up on stage was a real talent, though. A 9-year old boy flinging cuss-words at his audience like the bees knees, a real racist, homophobic piece of work. Montie rested his temple in the meaty paunch of his palm. "Kid's got a future in show-biz." He said.
Montie himself was a hair-runner: He made his living buying hair and processing the stuff. Dark, blonde, course, smooth, it didn't matter what type of hair he paid premiums for; they all
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 16, 2009).]
Up on stage was a real talent, though. A 9-year (nine year old boy--write numbers as words, it reads better)old boy flinging cuss-words at his audience like the bees (bee's) knees, a real racist, homophobic piece of work. Montie rested his temple in the meaty paunch of his palm. "Kid's got a future in show-biz." He said.
Montie himself (not sure why you have phrased it thus; you can't have Montie not-himself!) was a hair-runner: He made his living buying hair and processing the stuff. Dark, blonde, course (coarse) , smooth, it didn't matter what type of hair he paid premiums for; they all
The last paragraph is an info-dump. You have set the scene, but no conflict. The info-dump about the guy's occupation is your hook, but it could be woven in without resorting to an info dump. Presumably the boy on stage has hair (?), surely Montie could reflect on the how much money he would get for the boy's hair or something like that, which would allow you to bring in the details of the Montie's trade as pseudo-direct thought.
Also premiums are paid for insurance, generally, and are paid in installments--does this guy pay insurance premiums for other people's hair? If you are stating that he paid 'top prices' then you must insert an 'a' in front of it, e.g.
...it didn't matter what type of hair he paid a premium for; they all...
Although I think you may need to re-structure the sentence as well.
(...he paid a premium for the best champagne...)
I'm kinda curious what a hair-runner is, though.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 18, 2009).]
In the past few days I've been writing at my most prolific, which feels great, but keeping up with all the ideas pouring out of my brain is tough. I probably won't be able to edit this until I get to the other three stories which need attention. *laughs*
But don't you worry a bit.
The expectation when you post here is that you have edited and spell-checked the piece to the best of your ability. Therefore any 'help' you get from others is stuff you didn't know and not stuff you already knew.