Surely that’s not theft.
It was the argument that had kept away my demons for two centuries; it ran through my mind as my hand brushed against the waitress’s when she set my coffee on the diner’s table. A few days of her life flowed into me with a rush like a heroin fix.
“Thanks.” I smiled at her.
She looked a little dazed and swayed back and forth for a second, before smiling back.
“You're welcome. Anything else I can get you?”
Version 2:
Is it theft? If you steal something and no-one ever knows it's gone, is that theft? What about if no-one believes in what you steal or believes it could be stolen?
Surely that’s not theft. It's like Shrodinger's cat, isn't it?
It was the argument that had kept away my demons for two centuries; it ran through my mind as my hand brushed against the waitress’s when she set my coffee on the diner’s table. A few days of her life flowed into me with a rush like a heroin fix.
“Thanks.” I smiled at her.
She looked a little dazed and swayed back and forth for a second, before smiling back.
“You're welcome. Anything else I can get you?”
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 17, 2009).]
"What about if what you steal no-one believes in" took me several reads to understand. I think there are too many whats. Perhaps "What if you steal something no-one believes in..."
Making the wild assumption that the draft is ready and that you're looking for readers, I'll offer.
I agree about how many 'what ifs' there are...but I wanted a convoluted rationalising process as it identified the distance the 'vampire' was trying to place between himself and his act.
Still, there are probably better ways of doing it.
I'm intrigued by the idea. I didn't mind all the whatifs since they're all about the same "thing". But you *could* limit them to the one (or two) you consider most intriguing and then jump straight to action. The action part of the first 13 was great, I saw it, I felt it.
I think the premise could work for me, but worded differently, or after reading further along.
Overall, I am very hooked, and I liked the second version much better. But the Schrodinger's cat reference didn't work for me the way it was presented. If you started with the guy asking, when does a theft actually occur? Is it when the object is taken or when the object is missed by the owner? If the owner never realizes the object was taken, did a theft really occur?
Arrgg that was terrible, but I hope you see what I mean. If you use the schrodinger's cat line, you need to present the justification as paradox, more in the lines of the original thought experiment.
I hope this helps.
I like the second version better, but I agree with MAP that the Schrodinger's cat reference may be a little out of place. I think it makes me think; not because it's thought provoking, but because quantum mechanics are difficult to understand. Instead of thinking about the story, I'm thinking about whether the cat is both alive and dead or whether the reality of my observation forces it to be in one state or the other.
It's a great start. I already get conflict and importance of character right there.
Unfortunately, punish him for what? A few days worth of life from a random stranger? Not exactly a lot at stake here, and I have a hard time imagining some higher power getting outraged at this man's ability, considering it seems like a higher power gave it to him.
I think I'll pass. It's a good hook, but seems more gimmicky than able to carry a real story.
The concept is really interesting, along with the prospects of massive amounts of life force available to him. I'm wondering what he's using it all for.
quote:
It's a good hook, but seems more gimmicky than able to carry a real story.
Interesting response.
I don't get your 'gimmicky' reply.
I have already written a story based on this 'talent', which in my mind is no more gimmicky than classic vampirism (as used in thousands of stories).
As to whether a story can be 'carried' beyond the 13 lines you see here, well, that's up to the the skill the writer--me, in this case.
Certainly you may think I can't, based on these 13 lines. I, on the other hand, have a larger view of what I am capable of and feel confident of my success to write a 'real' story from these humble beginings.
As to whether it will be publishable, that's up to the editors.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 17, 2009).]
quote:
Is it theft? If you steal something and no-one ever knows it's gone, is that theft? [I'd stop here and develop the train of thought later, if relevant.] What about if no-one believes in what you steal or believes it could be stolen?Surely that’s not theft. It's like Schrodinger's cat, isn't it?
It was the argument that had kept away my demons for two centuries;[I might find his demons more interesting later, when I've seen more of him. Get me into the action. The age thing could maybe wait, too.] it ran through my mind as my hand brushed against the waitress’s when she set my coffee on the diner’s table. A few days of her life flowed into me with a rush like a heroin fix.
“Thanks.” I smiled at her.
She looked a little dazed and swayed back and forth for a second, before smiling back.
“You're welcome. Anything else I can get you?”
I think the suggested edits would make the intro feel more focused. Otherwise it reads fine. I particularly like the Schrodinger's cat line - clever moralizing.
Would probably read on for a while, but I'm close to saturation point with things vampiric, so I'd be more exigent just because of the subject matter.
Is this a rewrite of an older piece that I have read or is it a new story with the same character? I hope so. I loved that life stealer dude.
Adam