Hatrack River Writers Workshop: this must be literary fiction

This is topic this must be literary fiction in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by hira.david (Member # 8688) on :

His mother’s favorite color was blue. His mother gave him his first seashell when he said his first word. Patiently she waited, with the seashell on a leather strand around her smooth neck, for him to speak, and the moment that it happened she put the seashell into his tiny hand and closed his fingers over it with her own warm hands. So it happened that for the rest of his days Jimmy thought of language as something cold and sharp, with warmth pressed in to make it human, and loose ends which roughly slid between his fingers.
Jimmy then did what most little children do with most objects. He tried to swallow it. His mother, sighing, pounded on his back and caught the seashell by its’ now soggy leather. Laying it aside to attend to her son, who was spitting air all over

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 02, 2009).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Hira.David,

I think you need to give me some additional compelling reasons to read beyond the first 13 (or 15 or so I think in your case) apart from the “voice” of your writing style. There’s bits of nice writing (…cold and sharp, with warmth pressed in to make it human…”) which could do with some sharpening (“So it happened that” is redundant) as well as the potential for character depth.

What’s missing for me in this opening is a sense of something at stake. In a literary short story, the stakes can often be more abstract or conceptual than in the more basic ends of the genre market, but something personally important to the protagonist being at stake is something that will get me to read on. What is important to Jimmy and why do I want to read more about him?

When there’s nothing at stake in a 1st 13, I often suspect that the story hasn’t started at the right place. Here, I know very little about the POV protagonist apart from the fact that he’s very young. I know a bit more about his mother; without context, she appears a bit stupid (purposely giving a young child something small enough to choke on?) and she likes blue.

I found Jimmy’s mother waiting for his first word and giving him a seashell rather implausible. Given you’ve tagged your story literary fiction, there’s no indication that the time of the first word is as predictable as you’ve shown it to be (i.e. Jimmy’s mother patiently waits…she expects it to happen, so that she can give him the shell).

I also struggled to accept that Jimmy would draw such a powerful inference between language and the action of being given a seashell. Without the capacity for complex thought at that age, the idea of Jimmy being able to form a conceptual link between language and the physical sensation of the seashell is unlikely. I could live with Jimmy hearing language and feeling those sensations, but to think of language, in and of itself, as a physical object seems unlikely.

For a piece that has to survive on its distinct voice, the opening lacks a bit of resonance and flair. In this kind of pieces I’d expect very sharp imagery and very clear writing. There’s hints of both, but I think there needs to be more precision to let the voice of your work shine. For example, the sentence starting with “Laying it aside to attend to her son…” is a monster and uses a lot more words than necessary to get the (fairly minor) point across.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

Hi hira.david and welcome to Hatrack,

I think it might be a bit of a mistake to begin your first two sentences with "his mother's" and "his mother"--it might be too repetetive and I'd prefer more involving prose to draw me into a story when there is little real hook.

Patiently she waited, with the seashell on a leather strand around her smooth neck, for him to speak, and the moment that it happened she put the seashell into his tiny hand and closed his fingers over it with her own warm hands. I think this sentence is too long for so early in a story--I'd try not to make the reader work too hard in the opening.

I suppose the hook here might be Jimmy's thoughts on language, but then I'd want the thought to be more concise, more insightful--at the moment it is too long and rambling to really grab the interest.

At the moment I find the opening a little too distant to make me want to read on. Maybe show us more of Jimmy, put us into his head to show us more about him and what the seashell means to him?

Good luck with it.

Posted by TheHopper (Member # 8652) on :

Literary fiction, huh? I wonder if you think this is any good?

I would have no idea on the merits of this short intro, but I do know that I would be intrigued. I still wouldn't read it though. In today's world, you need more than intrigue to hook a reader.