Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Nelson

This is topic Nelson - Genereal Fiction in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EJ (Member # 8701) on :

This short story contains adult themes about sexuality (but not overt sex) and some violence.

Trapped in the cold and dark, Nelson listened to the laughter outside. The musk of his frightened sweat drifted around him and began to drown out the smells of cheap paper towels and pine disinfectant. When the voices stopped, he crept out of the cubicle and emerged blinking into the hot sunshine.

"It's Nelly!" The hunt began again.

Nelson ran and stopped, gasping, after a few minutes. Rough hands dragged him to a wooded corner where Andrew Smythe was waiting with his sidekicks, a half-smile on his perma-tanned face.

“Smelly Nelly, We hereby anoint you Saint Saviour’s King of Ming."

Surrounded by sniggering faces, Nelson gasped as urine poured over him from a motley array of containers. The rankness of

[This message has been edited by EJ (edited July 04, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 04, 2009).]

Posted by Betsy Hammer (Member # 8139) on :

I'm liking it so far. I like the whole torture at summer camp thing, which is what I'm guessing is going on.

I would definitely read on, but I did have a few problems I want to mention.

1. You said he was "trapped," but then he left the cubicle on his own. Also, what's a "cubicle," exactly? When I hear that word, I think of a corporate office. Is he in a restroom? I think you should use the most specific word for whatever it is.

2. I'd like to know the age of the characters up front. At first, you think that a man is hiding. Then you think the hiding man is actually being "hunted." THEN you find out they're kids. It stopped the flow of reading because I had to go back in my mind and reprocess the information I already read.

3.The smells didn't feel right to me. Personally, I'm not thinking about smells when I'm stressed, so that strained believability. Also, I have no idea what may blossoms are or what they smell like, so those words were wasted on me. I'd feel more engaged in the setting if Nelson told me about what the place looks like or the bugs or something.

Okay, now I'm just going to get nit-picky. These things didn't bother me the first time through, but I'll mention them...

4. "Rough hands." Maybe something more descriptive would be nice, like "skinny, sweaty arms" (not that, but you get the idea). Just a thought.

5. Where were the containers of pee when the guys were chasing him down? Were they sloshing around during the chase? Did they have lids?

Edited to add: Okay, I just saw that you're in the UK. I'm guessing that a "cubicle" means something different to you than it does to me over here in America. Sorry. So, um...Happy Forth of July!

[This message has been edited by Betsy Hammer (edited July 04, 2009).]