Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Telepaths- sf, complete, 10k

This is topic Telepaths- sf, complete, 10k in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003676

Posted by alittleofeverything (Member # 8024) on :

Hi everyone. It's been a while. I'm looking for feedback on both the first 13 and readers for the whole thing. Thanks for your help!
***
He was lost in the music, the rhythms flowing effortlessly down his arms and into his drums. Sweat poured down the dark brown skin on his face and he lifted his left arm to wipe it away, moving his right hand twice as fast to compensate, never missing a beat. Mac screamed the lyrics, Sean rocked the bass, and Steve and Nick swapped the melody on guitar. This was metal.

Looking over the band's heads into the mosh pit, Damien saw his fans flailing, kicking, and crashing into each other, almost moving to the music. In the middle of them was a woman. She wore a red band shirt and ripped jeans, and her long dark hair was flung around her. She was throwing her arms and kicking her legs in all directions, forcing the testosterone, adrenalin, and caffeine charged fans around her to give her room or leave with broken bones.

Posted by Marita Ann (Member # 8697) on :

My main critique is that I didn't find any sort of mystery in the first 13. The entire thing is just description. The only thing that I am left wondering is, "what is so special about this woman that she is important enough to be introduced in the fist 13 lines?" which, I think, isn't the kind of question you want the reader to be asking. Plenty of people can act crazy and stand out in a crowd. Draw me in with something more unique.

Some more minor points:
I think that the last sentence is clear enough without the phrase "around her." I also found it strange that we know the names of the members of the band before we know the name of the POV character: it caught me a little off guard when I finally got to Damien's name. Finally, I felt the transition between playing the drums and wiping sweat off of his forehead wasn't smooth. As soon as I saw what I thought was a contradiction, I stopped mid-sentence (before I got to your explanation about moving his right hand twice as fast) to go back and read the first sentence again.

Other than that, your word choice is great. Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by Marita Ann (edited July 12, 2009).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I loved the first paragraph, my only suggestion being to switch "rhythm" for "music".

The second paragraph had me wondering. Assuming Damien is "lost in the music" then I'd not expect him to be "Looking over the band's heads" towards distractions elsewhere. Perhaps instead this second paragraph might be considered in peripheral vision, becoming then deliberately blurry, flashes of red, adoring dancing, rapturous rhythms bordering on violence. A commotion wich raises enough questions the reader must continue to find an answer.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

I like the start in Damien's close POV. (I have to assume that 'he' of the first paragraph is Damien because it's not explicit.)

Is he conceited to think of the audience as his fans rather than fans of the group?

I don't see any wording or punctuation nits.

Since heavy metal and mosh pits are not the favorites of an old dude like me, I'm not hooked by just that much. Sorry.

The only speculative element is in the title. Perhaps if some telepathy is shown in the first 13, the opening would attract wider interest.

Posted by keithjgrant (Member # 8678) on :

Very tight prose. I like your writing style, and would probably read a bit further. However, I'm not confident who's POV we're in; you use "he" in the opening sentence, but give no indication who "he" is until the second paragraph.

It also needs at least a hint of the pending conflict. If Damien is your POV character, what is his reaction to this girl in the mosh pit? Is he attracted to her? Appalled by her wildness?

As always, beware of using so many names in the opening scene. I think how you've done it is probably fine in this case, because it indicates Damien's awareness of and association with each of the band members (It goes a long way in telling me Damien is friendly. I like him), but make sure to "re-introduce" them individually later, because the reader will likely not remember them by name.

[This message has been edited by keithjgrant (edited July 13, 2009).]

Posted by kingtermite (Member # 7794) on :

I like the prose.

My only question is whether the story is a romance? When I read that first it I immediately think the story is going to be a love story. Since love stories aren't my thing, I would pass. If its not a love story, maybe you need to rearrange what you introduce first.

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

Nice energy and tight writing and very fine imagery.

The only probs I had with this were two small phrases:

quote:
the dark brown skin on his face

the "on his face" bit felt a little odd. "of" his face? Or just "his dark brown face" would prevent that jarring feeling, I think.

Also:

quote:
her long dark hair was flung around her

The "was" verb choice here, I think hurts the energy of this flailing chick. Rephrase, and this image could convey more wildness.

Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :

I would skip introducing the band and move straight from your awesome description into something happening, maybe in the crowd, maybe with the character. Go right into "This was metal"
and then give us what want. Chaos and mind reading.

hope this helps.