As I walk past the double-doors I hear their rattling like I have a thousand times before, but the sound has never grated against my perception as it does now. I wonder again if it is the wind, but then a deeper more desperate part of me asks if it might not be someone trapped, a prisoner held down here in the lowest basements of the building.
I turn down the hall to my left and the image of an animal, ferocious and black and twisted erupting from the double-doors blossoms from within the dark corner of my mind, and I’m suddenly aware of just how dim the lights in the hallway are, how quiet it is but for the rattling echo, and how unaccountably late the hour finds me. Might not there be some evil beast awaiting on the other side of those doors?
So I agree, you should go with AC or air currents or something more man-made than wind.
I am sorry. I wind up trying to show what I mean.
I can’t seem to keep from diddling. I think a bit of judicious pruning could help. I think shorter sentences might help with the tension.
As I walk past the double-doors, I hear their rattling like I have a thousand times before. What sort of wind do we have down here in the lowest basement that could shake them so violently? A deeper more desperate part of me asks if it might not be someone trapped, a prisoner held down here and beating desperately, hoping someone free will hear.
I shudder as I turn down the hall to my left. The image of an animal, ferocious and black and twisted erupting from the double-doors blossoms within the dark corner of my mind, and I’m suddenly aware of just how dim the lights in the hallway are. But for the rattling echo, there is no sound or other inhabitant at this late hour. I am alone.
Might there be some evil beast on the other side of those doors?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 29, 2009).]
I had written -- this unaccountably late hour -- and it's been bothering me. That adverb feels wrong, so I took it out.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 29, 2009).]
Or you could write in third person and in this way I think the details might jump out more. You could take power over the details in a way that might you give you more room.
Just a thought.