well, the premise is pretty simple: an assassin, working for the govornment and hating every minute of it.
Phoenix, Arizona. in the street below, a riot has started because a man has just collapsed from a knife wound. the man is a well known figure in this part of town, he runs a crime syndicate and has been avoiding police for two years. that evasiveness ends today.
I walk away, sheathing the knife in my hand as I do. I have to report.
Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :
My first thoughts: 1) The point of view seems all over the place. [in the street below... a man has just collapsed from a knife wound] implies the pov is looking down on the street from a high vantage point, while [I walk away, sheathing the knife in my hand as I do] 2) References with respect to the target should probably be past tense, ie [he runs a crime syndicate]->[he ran a crime syndicate] or [has been avoiding police for two years]->[was avoiding (the) police (these last) two years] or [that evasiveness ends today]->[that evasiveness ended today] which is to say, the character has put the man behind him. 3) [sheathing the knife in my hand] without any indication yet showing this is an SF story and he's somehow modified, this is confusing: I'd expect someone to sheath their knife in a scabbard, for example. 4) Capitalisation, ie [. in the]->[. In the]. It helps the reader. Plus, I seem to notice that the fewer simple things there are to point out, the more a critiquer might look past technicalities and focus on the meat of the story.
Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :
Give it to me again. But give me more than explication and a premise and the first sentence.
What does he do next? Is anything crucial to giving the report? Does he wipe the blade? Does he sanitize it?