Adi came out of Africa much like a leopard springs up out of the grass to surprise a herd of gazelle. He had been a slave, a mercenary, and finally, a mathematician all before the age of 25. He was seven when he was sold into the service of an agrocrat named Camar. “Adi,” shouted the foreman. “Come here,” Adi stepped forward out of the line of men and women. Adi had counted a hundred and fifteen. “You’re going to the green house on Level 8. Follow Jaheim. He’s your new father, mother, and boss. You do what he says, you eat. You don’t, you starve.” Jaheim stepped forward. He had an old hydraulic arm. He motioned with it. It glimmered harshly in the sunlight. “Come on,” he snapped. Adi followed him.
[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited August 03, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited August 03, 2009).]
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
They say when the time was ripe, Adi [came] would come out of Africa much like a leopard [comes] springs out of the grass to take a herd of gazelle by surprise. Adi had been a slave, mercenary, and finally, a mathematician, all before the age of 25. [Somewhere in the frozen soil of Westminster Abbey, John Keats was smiling.] This sentence comes out of nowhere. His parents had been killed during a raid and he and his brothers had been hunted down by black market traders in the night who used, abominably, Arianthers, to terrifying effect, in order to track down their [pray] prey without the costly, and illegal, use of [satellites] Do you mean the spy ones in orbit or do you mean minions? If it is the later I suggest another word choice. [Adi had become separated from his brothers and survived the harrowing hunt by rubbing himself with the dung of a lion,] What? How did you get from slave to here?
Too much crammed into an opening in an attempt to hook. The back story was an info-dump. Spread the info out and story out.
Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :
I am going to do that with all the stories I posted. That appears to be a chronic problem. Thanks for continuing to read them.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Anytime, WC. If someone goes through the time and effort and is willing to put his or hers passion on display for a simple opinion than a simple opinion is the least they deserve. Keep on writing.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
The real place to start is there at “Adi came out of Africa…” You don’t need the “They say” part. It’s a clunker before a smooth opening – my opinion, remember. And you probably don’t need the “by surprise” either as most readers get that. We’ve all watched enough wildlife specials.
The whole Keats stuff could also be dropped because you’re losing focus. Hmmm, and I’d move the bit about the parents to before the his being slave etc.
That might be a better summation at the end of the stuff about what he’s endured.
------- Adi came out of Africa much like a leopard comes out of the grass to take a herd of gazelle.
His parents had been killed during a raid and he and his brothers had been hunted down by black market traders in the night who used, abominably, Arianthers, to terrifying effect, in order to track down their pray without the costly, and illegal, use of satellites. Adi had become separated from his brothers and survived the harrowing hunt by rubbing himself with the dung of a lion,
{need a good segue to this summation, a way to make clear how he came out of africa like a leopard -- not a big telling, just a three or four word sort of hint that makes it plain, aw, maybe a whole sentence]
Adi had been a slave, mercenary, and finally, a mathematician, all before the age of 25.
---------------------------------- Just my opinion.
The term “Arianthers” is a stumbling block for me. I have no idea what or who those are and came to a screeching halt to think on it. Dropped me totally out of the story. But, good work.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited August 03, 2009).]