Hatrack River Writers Workshop: His Mother's Eternal Memories; SF; short story

This is topic His Mother's Eternal Memories; SF; short story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :

John Crandall slowed his jeep and turned onto the graveled lane leading to his father's house. Fireflies had already begun their nightly light show in the darkening evening. A sign prominently displayed on the mailbox post warned trespassers they would be shot. Below that was the more traditional "Beware of Dog" sign.
John scoffed. You don't own a gun or a dog, Thaddeus. Who the hell would want to visit you anyway?
John parked in the driveway and retrieved his overnight bag, a six-pack of beer, and the envelope containing a copy of his father's Last Will and Testament from the back seat.
The front door was ajar, evidently pried open by family members eager to pilfer the old man's treasures before John arrived.

First/Second Revision

John Crandall slowed his jeep and turned onto the graveled lane leading to his father's house. Fireflies had already begun their nightly light show in the darkening evening. A sign prominently displayed on the mailbox post warned trespassers they would be shot. Below that was the more traditional "Beware of Dog" sign.
He scoffed. Christ, Thaddeus, you never even owned a gun or a dog. Who the hell would want to visit you anyway?
John parked in the driveway and retrieved his overnight bag, a six-pack of beer, and the envelope containing a copy of his father's Last Will and Testament from the back seat.
The front door was ajar, evidently left open by family members in their rush to pilfer the old man's treasures and leave

Third Revision

I wanted to introduce a bit of technology up front so that it's evident this is a SF piece.

John Crandall slowed his jeep and turned onto the graveled lane leading to his father's house. Fireflies had already begun their nightly light show in the darkening evening. A sign prominently displayed on the mailbox post warned trespassers they would be shot. Below that was the more traditional "Beware of Dog" sign.
John scoffed. Christ, Thaddeus, you've never even owned a gun...or a dog. Who the hell would want to visit you anyway?
John parked in the driveway and noted that the MultiComm Dish had been removed from its pole. Fortunately he had brought his portable terminal, a habit he developed to keep his father from complaining when he called work while visiting.
He retrieved his bags, a six-pack of beer, and the envelope containing a copy of his father's Last Will and Testament from the back seat, and lugged them to the house.
The front door was ajar, evidently left open by family members eager to pilfer the old man's treasures and leave before John arrived.

[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited August 07, 2009).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
You don't own a gun or a dog, Thaddeus. Who the hell would want to visit you anyway?

I am betting that this is meant to be italicised. I believe the 'don't' should be 'didn't' since Thaddeus is already dead.

quote:
evidently pried open by family members eager to pilfer the old man's treasures before John arrived.

Why would he assume it was family members? Even greedy relatives would have closed the door when they left. I'd imagine an easier assumption would be theives. A death is news that circulates quickly, neighbor kids for example would know he died and may not hesitate for easy loot.

I believe some of those "John's" should be turned into "he's". Other than that I think this is a smooth reda. Appropiate place to start and it hooks enough to want to know to read on.

Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :

Thanks. I fixed the problem with the family members leaving the door ajar. Revision posted below original.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I liked this opening. Are you looking for readers? If it's less than 7,000 words I'd be happy to read, if you like.

Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :

I liked this opening. Are you looking for readers? If it's less than 7,000 words I'd be happy to read, if you like.

That would be great. It's still rough and I haven't refined the ending, but if you're still interested when I finish, I'll post on Forward Motion (and can send via e-mail if you want). I'm aiming for <5000 words.

Thanks.

Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :

I like it. I'll read, if you are looking for people when you finish it.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
Below that was the more traditional "Beware of Dog" sign.

You used 'sign' in the previous sentence. May I suggest something like disclaimer just to mix things up a bit.

quote:
The front door was ajar, evidently left open by family members eager to pilfer the old man's treasures and leave before

Same type of problem here. You used 'left' the 'leave', perhaps something like ski-daddled or another verb that indicates they left in a hurry would help.

Too many John's. The Multi-con dish does not improve your opening and reads like you forced it in to highlight it, which is what I believe you did. Don't worry so much about inserting the sci-fi so much. If you need it in I suggest giving your MC or the deadman a title that makes this more speculative.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 09, 2009).]

Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :

quote:
Don't worry so much about inserting the sci-fi so much. If you need it in I suggest giving your MC or the deadman a title that makes this more speculative

OK, that's what I was wondering. The SF doesn't really come in until about 1/3 into the story, so I wasn't sure if it was OK to roll with the narrative without any type of hint of SF or not.

I see what you mean on the other issues. I'll work on those.

Thanks.

[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited August 09, 2009).]