This is topic Real first thirteen this time, still intentionally choppy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
Everything was going as planned, which meant that things weren’t going well at all. We had been walking for seven days straight with barely a rest, and somewhere along the way my feet had started to feel like bags of lead. My eyes felt like my feet, only heavier, and it got so bad that my fellow soldiers to the right and left of me had begun to complain about me leaning on them. And, oh god the rain! Where I grew up in Lynchtown we had a name for weather like this. We called it, “son o- - ---ch, what a rain!" The road under our feet wasn’t so much a road as a boot-sucking mire. Over time it had become so as you couldn’t tell where the ground ended and our legs began.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I think you could do without that first sentence--we can tell from the rest of this opening that things aren't going well. And the comment about "going as planned" had me wondering why something had been planned to go badly...which could be interesting (and potentially amusing) but if you're sticking with the opening about the weather, I'd leave that until later and maybe just begin with "We had been..."
The road under our feet Could do without the "under our feet", as it's fairly redundant.
Not a lot to hook the reader here, and by the end I thought the setting was dragging just a little bit. If you cut the opening line, and perhaps the line about Lynchtown then I think you might be able to squeeze something of a hook in here.