“Jason…Jason…”
A moan of an almost sexual ecstasy. She had found me. I had known she would; she always did. But that didn’t ease the terror. I breathed slowly through my mouth, my eyes closed. I remembered the time when I had seen her in the motel in Chicago, white dress billowing about her as she hovered near the ceiling. It might have been a delusion brought on by the bottle of Jack Daniels. It might not.
“Jason, why do you run, Jason? You need me…”
I rolled off the bed, keeping my eyes away from the ceiling. I could feel her watching over my shoulder as I rolled up my sleeve. I already had the knife ready by the side of the bed.
The next day, the first body was found.
The pacing you set is very fast. You seemed to jump right into the action without first giving any mood, setting, or character. To me there are pretty much 4 pieces of a story and you introduce one of them very quickly I'm just not sure if it gets across the emotion you might want given that as readers we aren't invested in the characters or setting yet.
To me, the woman's second line of dialogue is much more interesting than the first, which seems a little extraneous. Maybe it should start with the second line and then she could say something more to really get the reader grabbed. You can also have spirit creatures and haunting ghosts say things from cliches and popular rhymes that instantly turns a scene creepy, if she starts the scene whispering "little pig, little pig, let me in..." and then asks Jason why he runs, well the audience is alot more likely to think "eek." At least I would be.
The line "A moan of an almost sexual ecstacy." seems like it doesn't fit. Did the character hear it? Did he moan himself? There's an ambiguity there that pulled me out.
With the whole allusion to a previous meeting in Chicago and its obvious ramifications for the character I wonder if the story is starting in the right place. Presumably this why he sleeps with a knife be his pillow and what not, but I'm just guessing because I know some strange people that do the same thing because they think it's cool or edgey. Beyond that, I'm already more interested in what already happened then than I am in what is happening now.
The last line seems like a cheat to me, it's an obvious scene break to keep me guessing because to show me more would let me off the hook. But if that's the case then isn't the main character off the hook at the end of scene. Deliberatley hiding facts from me that my POV character knows is cheating, at least in my opinion.
Now alot of my critigue is based upon my assumptions of what I'm reading and I could be WAY off base, but these at least are my impressions and I hope they help you. If not just do what I do when my family offers to critique my stuff and put on your proverbial earmuffs.
quote:
“Jason…Jason…”A moan of an almost sexual ecstasy. She had found me.
That is just creepy. I'll read.
The rest was fine. I liked the tone and I would read on except for two things.
When he went to roll up his sleeve, I thought he was going to shoot some heroin or crack.
The last line where the next day the first body was found, I didn't get a good enough connection with the inside of Jason's mind. I think he's too disconnected and I get the sense of a POV shift.
Perhaps if you have him picking up his hockey mask...