Alex stepped into the cubicle and raised his arms. “Yeah. Hit me.” Nozzles lining the box-like room opened up and a fine black sludge sprayed out, covering his naked body from head to foot. The tendency was to panic as his vision and ability to breathe were compromised, but it only lasted the few moments it took the tiny machines to structurally organise, then neurally interface. The nano-skin flowed away from his face and Alex opened his eyes. He looked down at his hand. The black colour of the base-sludge flicked to the flesh hue he wanted. “Okay, Alex. The skin seems to be working fine.” Tina’s voice echoed around tiny chamber. “I’ll see you in cargo bay two. We’ll weaponise you there.” There was a pause. “I think your employers want a last word before you insert, as well.”
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 22, 2009).]
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
I really liked this. You give it a nice twist with the nano-coating when the reader is expecting a shower. The hook seems to be tacked on (the request to talk before insertion.) But I'd certainly read on.
One nit. In my mind a moment is a minute. So a few moments seem like a long time to me.
Posted by AJ Valliant (Member # 8767) on :
It starts well, and packs a ton of specific information fairly concisely...but it feels a bit cluttered having all of that technical jargon put forth in one big lump early on. It's a lot to absorb all at once before the reader has had a chance to get feel for things. That is just personal preference though, I like a little more space for characterization, something to ground the technical bits in the characters human experience. Promising beginning, though. I'm curious where it leads.
[This message has been edited by AJ Valliant (edited August 23, 2009).]
Posted by Telik (Member # 8676) on :
As said above, overall, it's very interesting. I would keep reading!
I think you could tighten up to increase the pace a bit.
Examples: [nozzles opened up and sprayed] could be condensed to one verb. [cubicle] that made me confused when something sprayed as I thought of an office setting, not a little room. definition on m-w.com was small sleeping compartment or office setting.
[The tendency was to panic as his vision and ability to breathe were compromised,] maybe just show instead of tell.. "his breathing quickened as panic set in. It ended when the..." maybe better, don't know, just a suggestion.
Either way, I thought this was a great beginning.
Posted by Andrew_McGown (Member # 8732) on :
I liked this. Would read on. I would call it a 'booth'.