Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A Moth to the Flame

This is topic A Moth to the Flame - Fantasy 5,000 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003757

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Looking for comments on the first 13 and offers to read the full 5,000.

Snow spiraled up from the jagged landscape below, whistling around Jonas. He pulled his cloak tight. "Just one time." On instinct alone, he stepped into thin air.

It held.

He exhaled softly and continued his walk of faith over the broken chasm. A strand of crimson pearls hung in the air before him, a treasure worth a lifetime. But he expected no less. For when a wizard interviewed a thief, it was life and death, the payment only equal to the cost of failure. Judging by the bodies below, the wizard had high expectations and was running out of patience.

But so was he. For three years he had answered every wizard’s call, trying to find the wizard who had left him for dead, a

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Tiergan,

This seems like a pretty solid high-fantasy 1st 13. I’d probably read on. I’ve got my face-to-face writer’s group this weekend, so I’m out of action for a full crit until next week at best. If you’re still keen for a crit then, let me know.

Regards,

Nick

quote:
Snow spiraled up from the jagged landscape below (the snow is floating upwards? I see later that he’s walking over a “broken chasm”, but the meaning of the “jagged landscape” isn’t 100% clear from the opening line) whistling around Jonas. He pulled his cloak tight. "Just one time." (what this dialogue means isn’t that clear. Can you do without it?) On instinct alone, he stepped into thin air.
It held.
He exhaled softly and continued his walk of faith over the broken (I’m not sure how a broken chasm differs from any other kind of chasm?) chasm. A strand of crimson pearls hung in the air before him, a treasure worth a lifetime (of what? Do you mean more worth more than a life? I’m also not sure of the context here…are the pearls literally floating in the air in a line towards where he is going?). But he expected no less. For (delete) when a wizard interviewed a thief, it was life and death, the payment only equal to the cost of failure (not sure that this is particularly meaningful…it’s pretty clear what is at stake from the following sentence). Judging by the bodies below, the wizard had high expectations and was running out of patience.
But so was he. For three years he had answered every wizard’s call, trying to find the wizard who had left him for dead (this seems like the natural end of the sentence, whatever you say next, a

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

This one really impressed me. I would definately turn the page.
The opening paragragh was very powerful. I could feel it in my spine. Good work.

I would be glad to read it, but as you may have noticed I haven't been too active with my writing. Back to being a chef working loooong hours. So send it my way if you aren't in a hurry. I should be able to turn it in a week.

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 22, 2009).]

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I agree with the comments. I just wanted to keep reading rather than pick nits. Nice work.

I'll read it if you want.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Pass it along. I know what it's for and the deadline that approaches. Send it. I got a very full plate but will always clear it for you.