Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Ripples, 970 words, alt. history

This is topic Ripples, 970 words, alt. history in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003784

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

Wow, I haven't posted here in awhile. This flash fiction was intended for submission to a specific mag that is, as of this morning, closed to submissions. *sigh* Anyway, I now have plenty of time for revising. I'm also looking for a couple kind-hearted volunteers to critique the whole piece. Thanks.

Mark Antony galloped past the ranks of the crucified who lined the road from Capua to Rome. Most were dead. The rest would be soon. Red stained their wrists and ankles. Red streaked the crude gibbets, little more than split tree trunks, to which they were nailed. Red had dried to black on blades of grass and the stone-paved road.

Five thousand in all.

Was he among them? Antony forced himself to look at their faces, half in fear, half in hope. Both were in vain.

The sun dipped behind the rolling hills as he stopped at a creek to water his horse. He had been recalled to Rome but would not reach the city this night. The breeze was cool under his tunic, and birds chirped their evening concert from what few

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

What about reworking the paragraph order? Here's an example:

quote:

Was he among them? Antony forced himself to look at their faces, half in fear, half in hope. Both were in vain.
Five thousand in all.
The sun dipped behind the rolling hills as he stopped at a creek to water his horse. He had been recalled to Rome but would not reach the city this night. The breeze was cool under his tunic, and birds chirped their evening concert from what few
Mark Antony galloped past the ranks of the crucified who lined the road from Capua to Rome. Most were dead. The rest would be soon. Red stained their wrists and ankles. Red streaked the crude gibbets, little more than split tree trunks, to which they were nailed. Red had dried to black on blades of grass and the stone-paved road.

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

I would take out the lines "Most were dead. The rest would be soon."
-You already kind of know those to be true from the fact that they're crucified
-It's not as compelling as what comes next.

I'd also identify the 'he'. Even if you don't want to give a name, it might add a sense of urgency. Also, I thought at first that Mark Antony was looking for his own face among the dying.

Hope that helps.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

The "he" threw me out of the narrative as I assumed Mark Antony was looking for himself. Without naming the character Mark's looking for, it can also come across as witholding (Mark know who he's looking for).

I'm not sure I agree with re-ordering the paragraphs (I liked the place setting and the protagonist naming in the first line; I know exactly what is happening and why).

In terms of trims, I agree with Bored Crow and I'd go further in that the repeated description of "red" isn't as compelling (for me) as getting some idea of his emotional state in searching for this person. What intrigued me was the half fear and half-hope.

Interesting start; I'll take a look at the whole thing. Will I need a good historical knowledge to appreciate it?

Nick

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I disagree with Bored Cow about the "Most were dead..." - I assume the possibility that "he" is alive is important. Maybe it would be more concise to say "Most were already dead", and still get the point across.

I don't really need to know who "he" is yet - it's enough of a hook that Mark Antony is looking for someone.

Send me the whole piece if you'd like; I'd be happy to look it over.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

From the structure of the sentences, I certainly assumed that Marc Anthony was indeed, the "he" in question, and that idea was what hooked me. If that isn't the case then I strongly suggest you reword and give us an indication of who the "he" is.

I'm happy to read if you want to send it along.

[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited October 18, 2009).]

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

Thank you for all the helpful comments. I've done some tweaking to (I hope) clear some things up, and I'll send the story to those who volunteered to give it a read. You don't need to be a historian to understand the story. It's pretty basic stuff.

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

I'd like to read it too if you're still looking for people.