[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 24, 2009).]
Send it to me if its finished and you want readers, I should be able to get it back within a few days to a week give or take.
It pretty much never takes me longer than a week to get a crit back whatever else is going on.
Twenty-Second of the Manity - and - scanned for other Manity
This confused me. It’s a matter of how I’m reading the English here.
“of the Manity” seems to imply some sort of sole something or other (government, bloodline, religion, clan -- ???) while the following “for other Manity” seems to require there being other Manities (or however the plural is formed).
Did you mean of the X Manity?
So, you start off with me confused. And it gathers confusion because I did not realize his carapace was his spaceship.
Then you threw in a “first Shoaling” without any indication what that might be.
Primary arrival I can grasp but then I run “into “the ancient’s (ancient being singular) knowledge” and I’m totally lost again.
I assume the ringed gas-giant is named Jeseferus and isn’t Jupiter.
The displaced “swathes” of “sub-quantum matrix” at a phenomenal rate…”drawing him into the resultant reality vacuum” – I’m sorry, but this is not evoking images for me.
The opening reads like a trimmed down info-dump to me. Although I am intrigued by the... whatever it is... entering a star system, the rushed information and unfamiliar terms robs the character of some crucial character. I don't know who this Salkayn is or why he (it) is there.
So please give me an idea of who it is, why it is there, and what it all means to it.
In short, it lacks depth.
He had me when he started talking about a cruciform carapace :-)
For me, the world-building is a touch too showy, but there are enough ihnts of story that I would probably read on.
Cruciform is more commonly an adjective than a noun so the sentence structure there threw me off on first reading. You don't want any risk of confusion in your first sentence if you can avoid it so you may want to consider reworking that a little.
So basically not clear. I'm going to have to re-think how I start this story. The problem is that there are so many alien concepts from the off.
-continues eating-
However, I like the idea of the creature being something that can live/pilot in space within its own body...that's an intriguing concept, which is why I'm willing to give it some time. But, for me, that amount of time is short - you've got about a page (250 words, give or take) to make me believe you can tell me this story with all these fantastical alien ideas and odd setting and strange characters without me getting too lost.
My suggestion - write it to the end, then go back through and see if you think the intro still does what you need it to in terms of introducing the alien elements. If so, then send it to people who expressed an interest in this type of story you're telling for their feedback and go on from there.
There are certain types of stories (and certain types of storytelling) that I'm just never going to get into. So long as it gets where you intend for it to be, and you can get some feedback on it, go for it.
One last thing - a previous poster said she assumed jeseferus is not jupiter. I would be annoyed if this turned out to be "aliens call this different names but it's our solar system" - it's just a cliche I encounter in sci fi often enough to find it annoying.
Anyway, I like the writing but it is alot of new information all at once. I think two things really tip the scales for me:
1. "his carapace configured to a streamlined, bronze, cruciform..." I think I found this confusing because I was expecting a shape to follow "streamlined", not a colour. I'm not great at grammar, but it seems like bronze is the thing that's streamline. And then we do get a shape but it's crucifrom, which I think means cross-shaped, which doesn't seem very streamlined... Maybe my whole problem is with the word "streamlined" because it makes me think of aerodynamics and sends me down another path. Could you replace it with the word smooth?
2. His reality-vacuum mode of travel. I like this idea, it's very cool, but I think it's introduced at the wrong place. You just started talking about the Shoaling and the knowledge of the ancients and it feels like this is what the story is about. Then we take a technical detour. If the space travel is crucial to your story maybe move it up a paragraph. If it's less important I would put it later when we are more grounded in the world. (or cut it entirely)
I never promised wisdom--although, I may deliver it (from thier perspective)--I promised knowledge.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 27, 2009).]