Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Reservation Desk (Flash)

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Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

The Reservation Desk

Molly hung up the phone and greeted the next customer in line at the reservation desk.

"Welcome to the Pittsburg Time and Travel Agency," Molly said.

"Hello. My name is Frank Douglas. I don’t know how to explain this. In an hour you will sell a ticket to me," Frank said.

"That won't be a problem," Molly said.

"I don't want you to sell me the ticket," Frank said.

"Sir if I don't sell the ticket then you wouldn't show up to tell me to not sell the ticket. The very fact that you're here to stop the purchase is proof that the sale took place," Molly said.

"Then I would like to speak with your supervisor," Frank said.

"That's fine Sir, but under Congressional regulation of

I have come to hate time travel. How do you handle tense when the speaker is talking about the past and it is the future for the listener without confusing the reader? I’m finding this to be a challenging story.

Jimmy

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 06, 2009).]

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

I think you're doing a good job with the tenses. I started to lose the thread a bit in the middle, but I picked it up again by then end.

I like the dialogue, but I would also like to be a bit more grounded in the setting. I know it's a reception desk, but I can't picture if it's full, empty, posh, etc... Also, I have no mental image for Molly or the guy yet. Is he rumpled and nervous? red-faced and angry?

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Yeah, it's "white room" dialogue - not enough breaking up with anything else (body language, description, etc).

And it's way more than 13 lines so it will be edited before too long

In a few days (Monday, I think) I have a story coming out at EDF which involves time and uses tenses in an unconventional way so you might want to take a look at that to see one example of handling it.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Nice concept - your tenses didn't confuse me, except:

quote:
"What will or has happen?"

I would have said happened (it reads smoother being attached to the closer "has").

Also, I think you meant to write:

quote:
"She's going to loop herself,"

Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :

If this was fixed up, I would keep reading for sure. Right now, though, it is blank. Add description, introspection, and tags other than he/she said. Also, if only two people are talking, there is no reason to use tags for each person. I like the idea.

quote:
"Hello. My name is Frank Douglas. I don’t know how to explain this. In an hour you will sell a ticket to me," Frank said.

There is no reason for the tag because we know Frank is talking. :P
His speech seems a bit stilted. Perhaps add "but."
"My name is Frank Douglas, and I'm not sure how to explain this, but in an hour you will sell me a ticket."
People tend to string their sentences together like so.

quote:
"Sir if I don't sell the ticket then you wouldn't show up to tell me to not sell the ticket. The very fact that you're here to stop the purchase is proof that the sale took place," Molly said.

There should be a comma after Sir because he is being addressed. Put the said tag after her first sentence. This is the standard, which you can verify by checking some novels.

quote:
"That's fine Sir, but under Congressional regulation of

Comma before "Sir" as well because he is being addressed.

Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

Thanks for the feed back.