"I'm Barbara Taylor with People's Media. I'm here to talk to Dr. Rogers," I told the receptionist. I didn't have an appointment. Appointments are for talkshow hosts, not investigative reporters. "Which Dr. Rogers," she asked. "WINSTON Rogers," I said in a tone suggesting she understood the implications. "There seems to be a misunderstanding," she insisted. "Our founder has been dead for several decades." Either she was clueless or she was faking. She could relay the message either way. "Then maybe I could talk to his CLONE." I knew I was onto a story. I didn't have the evidence - yet. What I had was a completely reliable assignment editor. Apparently the receptionist somehow delivered the message. She was the last thing I
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 13, 2009).]
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Please pay attention to the concept of the paragraph.
This is brisk, almost breathless (and would be even with paragraph breaks), and comes over to me as very dated - this is the 1940s cinema version of a snappy journalist, not today's, let alone the future (as this would appear to be). There's no detail or immersion to the story - everything is dialogue interspersed with the narrator's informational interjections - and it really doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
I have nothing constructive to add to tchernabyelo's comments.
Well, maybe one thing. Like tchernabyelo said, this is quite rushed, giving it a breathless feeling. Slow down, take your time and let the story come out at a more natural pace. Pacing is one of the more difficult lessons to learn - how to balance action & building plot points with the time a reader needs to understand and believe the world you're creating.
All around, though, this isn't very good in its current state. Sorry dude. Keep reading, keep writing, and keep critiquing. It'll come.
Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :
This is one of those examples of where the story might wind up being better when spoken.
As it stands, the 'Bogarted' voice rings a little sour in my head; it's hard to read, but it might be very easy to listen to... err... hopefully that makes sense.
In short, I think all you really should focus on is blending your lines a bit - get rid of some of the choppy sentences and push in a slightly updated voice to mix with your theme.
I dig the idea, I really think there's something there, it just needs some polish.
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I disagree, I rather liked the intro and was being drawn into the story. I thought what was happening was clear and the mc's voice comes through also.
Whether it is similar to a 1940's style I wouldn't know since I haven't read or seen much from that time.