Hatrack River Writers Workshop: SF WIP

This is topic SF WIP in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Well, here is my first attemptin F&F. I am not yet ready for readers, but I am really interested in how this measures up. I look forward to any comment you may have on this first thirteen.

thanks,
Finn

Honzu carefully placed the headset on the newly cloned ancient one—the limp, drooling eighteenth incarnation of the Ryushooka. Meticulously reviewing the correct placement of the neuro transmitters, he took a deep breath. Never before had he known of such technology. He silently prayed that he would not fail the honor bestowed upon him. Extending his trembling hand he pressed the button which activated the memory implant of seventeen generations.
The Ryushooka’s eyes danced as the feeds surged his brain with memories. Honzu stepped backward; his eyes never waivered. Then he fell to his knees as the pink wet, Ryushooka stood, stepped toward him, and clenched his neck. He tried in vain to understand why the one he had served squeezed the life from him. Blackness overcame him.

Second version

quote:

Never before had he seen such technology. Meticulously reviewing the correct placement of the neuro transmitters, Honzu took a deep breath, then carefully placed the headset on the newly cloned ancient one.
The Ryushuka layed pink and wet, his eyes vacant.
Honzu prayed that he had followed the instructions precisely and that he would not fail the honor which had been bestowed upon him.
Extending his trembling hand he pressed the button which activated the memory implant of seventeen generations.
The Ryushooka’s eyes danced as the feeds surged his brain with memories. Honzu stepped backward; his eyes never waivered. Then he fell to his knees as the Ryushooka stood, stepped toward

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited November 17, 2009).]

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

quote:
Honzu carefully placed the headset on the newly cloned ancient one(1)—the limp, drooling eighteenth incarnation of the Ryushooka. Meticulously reviewing the correct placement of the neuro transmitters, he took a deep breath. (2)Never before had he known of such technology. He silently prayed that he would not fail the honor bestowed upon him. (3)Extending his trembling hand he pressed the button which activated the memory implant of seventeen generations.
The Ryushooka’s eyes danced as the feeds surged (4)his brain with memories. Honzu stepped backward; his(5) eyes never waivered. (6)Then he fell to his knees as the pink(7) wet, Ryushooka stood, (8)stepped toward him, and clenched his neck. (9)He tried in vain to understand why the one he had served squeezed the life from him. Blackness overcame him.(10)

This was interesting, but I wonder if (10) would keep me reading or turn me off. I'm not sure. I'd probably keep reading to find out if I'd keep reading

(1) - I assumed this was a newly cloned ancient headset, and that it was then described as an incarnation of the Ryushooka. It was only on the re-read that I understood what this was.

(2) - I wonder if these two sentences, which form a little exposition, should be in a paragraph of their own. Or, if you could perhaps show this and simultaneously trim the next sentence (3).

(3) - The three actions in this sentence - extending, pressing, activating, I personally found awkward. Others won't.

(4) - The impersonal 'The Ryushooka' made the male pronoun seem awkward to me.

(5) - Whos? Honzu's or the Ryushooka's?

(6) - I'm not sure the Then is necessary?

(7) - comma here?

(8) - Similar to earlier, the multiple actions and description in this sentence made it feel like a run-on to me.

(9) - This could be shown, ie, by him asking "Why?" or similar. I'm not sure that telling works for me here.

(10) - I worry that I've lost the character I've been following and trying to identify with.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

I posted a new intro. Hopefully that adressed at least some of the issues mentioned. I would be glad to hear wether or not they worked to make this better.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited November 17, 2009).]

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

You have a couple of typos that just knock me out of the moment.
laid - not layed
wavered - not waivered

quote:
The Ryushooka’s eyes danced as the feeds surged his brain with memories

The memories are moving forward/surging, not the feeds. Maybe The Ryushooka's eyes danced as memories surged down the feeds and into his brain.

Interesting concept, though.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Does the revision work?

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

It works for me. I like it much better than the first one. It's a lot clearer and more engaging.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Interesting, Frankenstein feel. Some suggestions for the start:

quote:
Never before had he seen such technology. Meticulously <-cut reviewing the correct <-cut placement of the neuro transmitters, Honzu took a deep breath, then carefully <-cut placed the headset on the newly cloned ancient one.
The Ryushuka layed <-lay pink and wet, his eyes vacant.