The theme deals with if child-bots should be legal or not.
First 13:
John Burrow wouldn't build it; even though, it were legal. It damn well shouldn’t be. He needed the money, though. No, stop thinking like that, he thought. You can’t build it for him. He wiped a shaky hand through his greasy hair, a jitter caused from a lack of sleep.
He continued to repair a fembot for another client that lay on a workbench in his run-down shop. Then he glanced around at the fembots and fembot parts sitting on work benches that waited to be repaired, and he said, “I’m sorry, Sir, but you can get her built elsewhere.”
The thin man shook his head. “I don’t want those mass production companies building my Anne.” He adjusted his thick spectacles. “You put your heart and soul into them.”
[This message has been edited by Architectus (edited November 19, 2009).]
You did a pretty good job of getting getting inside his head, especially considering space limits. I assume he will agonize more before finally agreeing to build it and I assume you will devote considerably more space to the debate in his head.
Not sure why the table needs to be white or what lack of sleep has to do with the character development.
I'd love to read it.
Carl
moreheadalumni @ yahoo.com
The conflict of the MC is well shown but there was a bit of confusion between the fembot he was working on and the "she" that he is referring to, which is actually a different one completely (presumably the child-bot, Anne, that the client wants constructed). Clarity there would be a big help.
techerna, true about the males building fembots. It would have been interesting to explore a female character building Anne. I actually prefer writing female characters. I've changed the sentence a bit to clarify who the fembot is he is working on. Thanks for that.
Robert, I'm glad you like the title, but that doesn't help me know if the first 13 worked for ya.
I agree with tcher about the need for clarity - if you hadn't explained the theme, I would have thought it was just another fembot (this is also evident in Adamatom's first comment.
Not sure if "jitter" is the right word choice - doesn't feel right. Maybe habit, quirk, or twitch?
I'll read if you want to send it, mostly due to the concept.
This caught my attention during the initial read-
quote:
Before turning a screw, he glanced around at the fembots and fembot parts sitting on work benches that waited to be repaired, and he said, “I’m sorry, Sir, but you can get her built elsewhere.”
Could you clarify his actions a bit, maybe He snapped an eye into place, and glanced around at the other fembots and fembot parts sitting on work benches that waited to be repaired, then he said,
My other thought was after reading it in full and thinking about the scene. You gave us the motivation for the thin man wanting JB to build Anne.
quote:
“You put your heart and soul into them.”
But I wasn't clear on JB's motivation for not building Anne. Was it just because it was illegal? I would have liked a little more insight on his part.
Overall it looks like a good beginning.