First Version
quote:
David flickered out of cloaked invisibility. The dizziness passed and he scanned his landing zone. The cathedral windows were dark and reflective. It was night. His body adjusted to the temperature change with a shiver. Before him was a white marble coffin, to the right an engraved stone:Here Lie the Remains of Travis, Crockett, Bowie and Other Alamo Heroes
"Gotcha." The discovery excited him. DNA Genealogy was only a weekend hobby, but every ancestor that he confirmed made the dangerous-and expensive-time travel worth it.
He leaned forward to study a small portrait of Davy Crocket on the coffin. He felt another shiver. The similarity between him and his namesake was uncanny. He unholstered the DNA 'sniffer'...
Second Version
quote:
David stood before a white marble tomb, to the right an engraved stone:Here Lie the Remains of Travis, Crockett, Bowie
It matched the ancient photographs of the San Fernando Cathedral; he had landed on target. He took a step toward the coffin, and a rush of dizziness reminded him that he was still cloaked. He scanned the area to ensure that he was alone. The dark glass above the tomb told him that it was night and he heard no voices.
"Cloaker Off." He flickered out of invisibility.
The night air was chill, but the shiver that ran down his back was from anticipation of his discovery. DNA Genealogy was only a weekend hobby for him, but each time he confirmed a name in his family tree it excited him.
Some key elements got bumped out of First 13, but i'm wondering if sometimes 'More is Less' in that the more I try to put into the First 13, the less I actually say, and the less clear it is. Still trying to find that fine line...
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited November 27, 2009).]
It's a word issue, not a POV obviously since he is alone.
1) I have been to the Alamo, once. I don't believe there is a coffin as you described, and certainly not a plague like that.
2) Hundreds of people died at the Alamo and I'm pretty sure they didn't pile all of their remains into one coffin. And if they did, how could he identify whose DNA belonged to whom.
3) It is clear your MC is from the future, and it appears he has come to San Antonio close to our present time. Why? If he wanted to find facts about the Alamo defenders why not go back to then and not 180 years after the event?
That struck me as plain silly. It's like going back in time to a time when the dinosaurs have been instinct for a million years because the fossils are cleaner or traveling to Buffalo, NY because it's closer to Niagara Falls so the pictures will be clearer. Why not go the whole way?
quote:
The cloaker powered down and David flickered into sight.
Is David the MC or the name of the ship? I honestly don't know.
quote:
The dizziness passed and he scanned his landing zone.
The two clauses clash. It would work better if you change the 'and' to an 'as'. However, the 'dizziness' comes out of the blue and should be tied closer to the first sentence.
quote:
The cathedral windows were dark and reflective. It was night. His body adjusted to the temperature change with a shiver.
Don't remember a 'cathedral' near there. I feel this would be stronger rearranged. Something along the lines of...
The windows to the mission were reflective against the night sky. He shivered in the cool air, his body not accustomed to the desert night.
Truthfully, more detail I believe is needed in the opening.
Hope this helps!
1) I have been to the Alamo, once. I don't believe there is a coffin as you described, and certainly not a plague like that.
http://www.andrewcusack.com/2006/11/27/san-fernando-cathedral/ It is actually a nearby Cathedral, here is a link with good photos. But you brought up a good point, if you assumed it was the alamo others would, so I cleared that up.
2) Hundreds of people died at the Alamo and I'm pretty sure they didn't pile all of their remains into one coffin. And if they did, how could he identify whose DNA belonged to whom.
That is part of the historic controversy and integral to my story later on. The ashes were all gathered up one year later and buried. 100 years later these ashes were found and put in the tomb, but some people discount that they are the actual remains. The DNA thing, thats more sci-fi, I think you are using today's tech, but he comes from a time so far advanced they have time-travel and cloaking devices, so their DNA is more advanced.
3) It is clear your MC is from the future, and it appears he has come to San Antonio close to our present time. Why? If he wanted to find facts about the Alamo defenders why not go back to then and not 180 years after the event? He is actually from much further in the future with advanced technology. I assumed the reader would understand that with his technology but you brought up a good point, ive worked it out in a rewrite to be clearer without sacrificing the story.
Was it not clear that he is a descendant of Davy Crockett? Not just a guy looking for famous people? I was hoping that link would be clear since it is important for the story.
Edited for a better link with photos.
yes it was helpful, this is my first time writing a story like this so getting the premise clear to the reader is definitely a WIP. Thanks for the crits.
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited November 27, 2009).]
Very clear.
Anyone willing to take a look at it?
Thank you in advance.
One note, I don't think you put commas in a name on a tombstone or memorial. If the last name is first then you would only put a comma after the last name.
Intrigued by the premise, and would be happy to take a look.
Dave Bowen
S!
S!
@Genevive...I wrote it out how it is actually written on the tombstone in real life. There is a link posted above with a great picture of it and the tomb.
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited December 30, 2009).]