Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Inheritance of Earth- flash science fiction

This is topic The Inheritance of Earth- flash science fiction in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

This is my first flash piece of science fiction. Harder than I expected, but I had fun. Totaled at about 870 words

EDIT: Revised (very slightly) with regards to BenM's comments.
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Earth was once blue, you know? Yes, I know, you probably don’t believe me. You see it now, through the telescope, the first of two red planets orbiting the star Sol, but try to remember the vids, the old 2D ones. That footage, it’s not from Inheritance; they were made on Earth! Our homeworld was once blue and green, like this planet. That was before the Scourge drove us to the world of Inheritance. Now, I was younger than you kids are when the war happened, not that there really was much of a war, but this is what I can tell you.

Our first contact with extraterrestrial life had no explosions. Bombs did not strike our cities. Also Sprach Zarathustra was not played. Earth’s skies did not burn, did not darken, did not illuminate. They bled.

[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited November 30, 2009).]

Posted by adamatom (Member # 8840) on :

I'm hooked. I'd love to read it.

Posted by TLH (Member # 8897) on :

As would I. It's dealing with a big idea, a wide vista on a large canvas, but with very little paint to work with (your word count). I'd like to read the whole thing if you'll email it to me.

Regards,

Tony.

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

Very cool feel so far. I'd be interested in reading the whole thing.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

Great opening.

There was some redundancy that may not have been necessary there, but I'm not sure how best to massage it. And I suspect they don't all need to be changed. Nevertheless, my attention was drawn to
the repetition of vids in remember the vids, the old 2D ones. Those vids
the repetition of Earth in they were made on Earth! Earth was once
the repetition and redefinition of Inheritance, which I had determined from the context to be a planet name at the first, as in made on Inheritance ... to the world of Inheritance

If you'd like a full crit, send it through.

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Thanks everyone. I've sent everyone but adamatom (do you have an email?) a copy. BenM, thanks for the perspective on wording.

Posted by LlessurNire (Member # 8781) on :

I too really like it and would love to read it, send it to me if you want and I'll critique after reading the whole thing.

Posted by adamatom (Member # 8840) on :

moreheadalumni @ yahoo.com

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

This is one incredible hook.

I would be delighted to read the full version and critique it, if you would send it to me.