Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My Soul Lies on the Burning Plains- SF-WIP

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Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Here is my latest. How does it work for you?

Harlan stood, bracing against the howling wind. Sky still pink from the false sunrise, the vast plains awoke. Scanning positioning markers with his range finding goggles, he vectored his exact location. Just as the dim white crown of the first sun met the horizon the networks of warning sirens blared resounding in a marauding symphony with the screaming wind.
It was time to burn. His blood became hot with anticipation. His finger eagerly sought the trigger of his incinerary torch. He turned, leaning headfirst into the mighty wind, took aim and squeezed the trigger. Sweeping his laser torch in a wide band, a three kilometer trail ignited into flame. Fueled by the wind, the plains erupted into a tumultuous blaze.
Harlan ran to his chaser and sped off, fleeing the waves of fire.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited December 02, 2009).]

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

I am a bit confused.

Where is the main character standing and what is his goal? I feel kind of shoved into the whole situation and I can't seem to catch on...

That might work as a hook sometimes but for the first 13 it's a bit much.

Just my opinion

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Sky still pink from the false sunrise, the vast plains awoke – what does this actually mean? It sounds portentous, but it’s not evoking any real images in my mind. Also – nit – it reads awkward in this reversed order right here so some reason. Then you follow with the same structure which IS more than awkward. And again, this time with the white sun. Can you see this repetition of structure here?

warning sirens blared resounding in a maurading symphony with the screaming wind. – No way. This is very awkward phrasing with all the gerunds strung to together. It feels wrong even. “…resounding in a marauding symphony…” once again, this doesn’t raise any images or other feelings in my mind except confusion.

Why is he leaning INTO the wind to start the fire? That means – wouldn’t it – that the fire will blow back ON HIM? I take it to mean the wind is blowing ON him, not away from him.

That’s some torch to instantly set THREE KILOMETERS of whatever into flame!

Sorry, but this isn’t working for me on two levels – the words and structures you used to show this and the physical actions. Still, this is merely one person’s opinion.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 02, 2009).]

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

I agree with arriki about the structure of the first three sentences. I'm not great at grammar, so the fact that even I noticed it means it sticks out.

I was curious about why he leans into the wind to start the fire, but not disbelieving. This gives me the impression he is some kind of thrill-seaker.

I totally missed the siren sentence on my first read through, that may need some work.

Also, I don't really like "his blood became hot with anticipation." I know "hot-blooded" means excitable, but do you really feel your blood heat up? It just stuck out to me.

Other than that I liked it. Keep it up!

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I can't put my finger on why, but each of the sentences feels like an individual description, not related to what comes before or after. Unconnected. I feel like I'm reading a series stand-alone practice sentences. They just don't flow.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Again, my opinion.

That second sentence - Sky still pink from the false sunrise, the vast plains awoke - sounds like a thesis statement which would then be followed by a list of items proving/describing it. Actually the sky's pinkness would still be awkward. But how do the plains wake is the question. List the ways. However, I think that's not really how you meant to start this story.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 05, 2009).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I understood your metaphores and though, for the most part, that this was really a good introduction. I liked the prose, but I think your ideas were so strong that they required a little support by adding a line or two between them. Mainly it felt too jarring. I think it was that there was too much crowded into the first thirteen. I sometimes think that we are conditioning ourselfves, by participating in these excercises to do just that, but that is niether here nor there.

I would just try this again and relax it a little bit. If this thirteen ended with the line about him getting an itchy trigger finger then that would be about the pacing I felt comfortable reading. I though the premise was really cool. A fire starter on another world, One with two suns and wicked wind. It makes me wonder why is he starting the fire. It seems that it is his vocation, by the way he carries himself and the type of equipment he employs makes it seem so. I can't help but think it is a "Prescribed" burn to either make uncontrollable fires less of a threat, but I really want it to be to destroy some kind of invasive fauna like poisonous swarms of insects. Either would be cool.

I would definately turn the page if this were a tad bit more relaxed.