Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Battle of the Bedroom

This is topic The Battle of the Bedroom in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by imperialcancer (Member # 8696) on :

In this tale there are the old familiar standbys from a boy's bedroom. Legos, Army Men, Cowboy's and Indians, and Dinosaurs that are ruled by Amazons (AKA Barbies) are all struggling to take over the bedroom, since they all blamed one another for the disappearance of the Godlike Giant. The Battle of the Bedroom has begun!

This is kind of a very rough draft just kicking around ideas for a beginning. Let me know what you think!

A breeze blew its way from the direction of the door into the land everyone simply called The Bedroom. The sunlight glinted from the life giving window past the beings that practiced photosynthesis onto the now warm shoulder of Colonel Argus. He stood upon the structure created to warn against invasion of an outside power that once attempted to conquer The Bedroom with their superior weapons and technology. He raised his green binoculars to his plastic face in the direction of the door as the radio began to squawk a garbled transmission.

“Come in Footstool Outpost! This is Blue Chameleon. I am being pursued. There are…me…can’t…them off...The Jeep just isn’t…They have some weird...engine. Fully loaded! Repeat,... Must…Evacuate the…”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2009).]

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I am immediately reminded of Toy Story and it lessens the hook. I'm not fond of the first sentence, too much authorial intrusion. I'd rather see the characters calling it the bedroom.

"The sunlight glinted from the life giving window," - Is there a reason that the window is life giving?

"past the beings that practiced photosynthesis" - If the toys don't know that those beings are plants, why would they know about photosynthesis?

"He stood upon the structure created to warn against invasion" - This is too vague. The toys don't really say "Go stand on that structure that's created to warn against invasion." What is it called?

If I were you I would cut the beginning two lines and just start with Colonel Argus.