(Revision 2) He was almost getting used to waking up in pain, saturated in a brine of his own sweat. So it was an unexpected pleasantry when he awoke gently and dry, relaxed by chemically induced contentment. Grover estimated his peace of mind to last approximately five more minutes. That was when the counter drugs would take effect, letting his thoughts slide back to the reason he was Waking on a starship, thousands of years from home. For now though, he couldn’t hold any train of thought longer than a few seconds. Eyes still closed, he smiled as he stretched, trying to enjoy it to the fullest, because a proper Wake meant this was his one hundredth time Up.
(Revision) Oren Grover was almost getting used to waking up in pain, saturated in a brine of his own sweat. So it was with pleasant surprise that he awoke gently and dry, relaxed by chemically induced contentment. He could expect his calm to last approximately five more minutes. That was when the counter drugs would take effect and let his thoughts tumble back to the reason he was Waking on a starship, in a container that technically expired thousands of years ago. But for now he couldn’t hold this train of thought longer than a few seconds. Eyes still closed, he smiled as he stretched, enjoying it to the fullest, because a proper Wake meant this was his one hundredth time Up. The flashing indicator above his container wasn’t any encouragement to climb out. He wanted to savor this Wake,
(Original)Grover was almost getting used to waking up in pain, saturated in a brine of his own sweat. So it was with pleasant surprise that he awoke gently and dry, relaxed by chemically induced contentment. He allowed himself to smile briefly at the small comfort a proper Wake brought, but this also meant that this was his one hundredth time Up. The flashing indicator light above his container wasn’t any encouragement for him to climb out. He wanted to savor this Wake, holding it in memory through the next nine times he’d go through this process the wrong way. With the slapdash installation of the sleeper containers, salvaged from other smaller inner system ships, the crew was left in constant worry of unit failure. So although the on-ship pharmacy had more than enough medicine necessary for a proper Wake, the delicate
[This message has been edited by Mr Ship (edited January 31, 2010).]
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Lots of explanation, but there's nothing that hints of the story. I see nothing in this first 13 that gives any indication that there's going to be a plot. I accept that this "waking" appears significant to the MC because he's waking pleasantly rather than unpleasantly, but... it''s still a waking up opening. And unless the act of waking is significant (in which case, let us know why), then start when the story actually starts.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I'm intrigued enough by the fact that Wake and Up are capitalized to read on. I also like the voice a lot, and the mention of a "hundreth time Up" is interesting. It seems to be promising a new take on the long-sleep based space travel concept.
quote:With the slapdash installation of the sleeper containers, salvaged from other smaller inner system ships, the crew was left in constant worry of unit failure.
This sentence is a weensy bit awkward. Maybe something along the lines of "The sleeper containers were salvaged and poorly installed, so unit failure was a constant worry." The last bit "the crew was left in constant worry of unit failure" is the only part of the opening I don't really like.
How long is it?
Edited to add: You don't capitalize "wake" in the last line. Also it should probably be "enough of the medicine necessary" etc.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited December 11, 2009).]
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
Grover - I couldn't help but imagine a furry blue monster with a wierd voice, but maybe I've just seen Sesame Street one too many times.
Another story that starts with waking up, you'll have to work extra hard then to push through the cliche.
I agree with Tchner, there's a lot of explanation and I start getting restless waiting for more story. There is a bit of a hook and I like the voice.
Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :
Love it. I have no problems with the sentence that was pointed out as being possibly awkward, either; I actually think it flows very well. I'd be interested in reading more.
[This message has been edited by Jesse D (edited December 12, 2009).]
Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
My fantasy brain overtook me. Wake. I kept thinking wake as in Irish Wake and he was dying for the hundredth time.
For me, this story hasn't started yet so I'm not hooked yet and might not continue. In my mind the MC is fixated on Wake, which isn't a positive in getting me to read on.
Posted by Mr Ship (Member # 8920) on :
Thanks for the criticism, I need it. It's nine pages long, single spaced as it is now. There's a few things that didn't come out when I wrote it originally that I feel need to be there, so I'm not sure how long it will be in the end. I've been trying to feel out a better place to start the story, but I think this is where it begins. The story is about the voyage, and the sleeping is integral to this, so I can't immediately see a way to fix it. I did fix that capitalization error, but I'm going to look over my first thirteen more before I post an edited version.
(Edit: And Owasm, you gave me an idea I'll have to think about.)
[This message has been edited by Mr Ship (edited December 13, 2009).]
Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :
You hooked me with the idea that he knows that the next ten times he will wake the _wrong_ way. However, I don't want you to explain to me straight away why, else the hook gets resolved. Before resolving that hook, get me involved with other parts of the story.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
I just couldn't get past the name Grover. I'd have a hard time with Elmo, too. Big Bird would definately be out. Can't help it, I grew up on Sesame Street (the air was always sweet).
Posted by Mr Ship (Member # 8920) on :
Thanks, Brendan, I agree now that you pointed it out.
Also, I'm disappointed in the Sesame Street references. I didn't remember a character named Grover being on Sesame street, even after I looked it up, so I have no childhood memories attached to the name. I just found it on a name list and liked the way it sounded phonetically. After writing the entire story, I've grown partial to the character (name and all), and if I change it now I'll feel like I'm betraying him.
How bad is it, do you think, to have a name that was also used in a kids show?
(I haven't had a chance to work on this any due to finals these last few weeks, so hopefully I'll have a chance soon and I can post the first edited version.)
Posted by Dark Warrior (Member # 8822) on :
Well i thought the same thing when I read Grover But I started thinking about Muppets and Fozzy the Bear
Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :
What bugs me about Grover in this instance is that it's the first word in the opening. So, before any other attempt at characterisation has been made, I'm hit with the name, and I've automatically attached to it a blue furry creature with big eyes.
I'm sure that were the story to start with more character and *then* tag it with a name, I'd be less bugged by it.
One day I'd like to do a sample of draft stories, maybe here or elsewhere, and see how many start with the name of the MC, and then compare that with published stories in an anthology. I think it would be an interesting exercise.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
It occured to me as well, but it wasn't a hinderance. I mean there was a US president named Grover too.
Edit: I also happen to like the Sesame Street character, and all things Henson, so again, no problem for me.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited December 15, 2009).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Is Grover his first or his last name? If you started with, say, Jim Grover, or Basil Grover, or Hamilton Grover, it wouldn't have the Sesame Street (TM) connection so much.
Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :
I agree with the suggestion that it ought not be the first word in the story. I, too, thought of the furry, friendly monster when I first read the name. Perhaps if you embed it after an opening clause where the character is doing something very un-Sesame Street-ish, it would lessen that immediate association that so many people have.
Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :
I also had the Grover-Seasame Street connection. It might be because I have never heard of anyone else with that name. As far as I knew Seasame Street made it up.
ME - I didnt' know about the US president of the same name. We don't have to learn that stuff in Canada
Posted by Mr Ship (Member # 8920) on :
Alrighty. Thanks everyone, I think I can fix all the things mentioned (and discussed!). I will get back to you as soon as possible. (But feel free to post more opinions if anything new is noticed!)
(Edit: Grover is his first name, but I'm thinking it will become his last name when he is initially introduced, but (since I'm partial to the name) refer to him by his "last name", the rest of the story.
[This message has been edited by Mr Ship (edited December 16, 2009).]
Posted by Mr Ship (Member # 8920) on :
The revision is up top now (in the original post).
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I like the revision better. You might want to alter this part:
quote:That was when the counter drugs would take effect and let his thoughts tumble back to the reason he was Waking on a starship, in a container that technically expired thousands of years ago. But for now he couldn’t hold this train of thought longer than a few seconds.
Based on the other info from the first version, he should be amazed and relieved that the expired container worked at all. Let that relieved fear be what he can't hold onto, and it will add a little tension to what is basically a "he woke up" opening.
Posted by Mr Ship (Member # 8920) on :
Revised Again
He was almost getting used to waking up in pain, saturated in a brine of his own sweat. So it was an unexpected pleasantry when he awoke gently and dry, relaxed by chemically induced contentment. Grover estimated his peace of mind to last approximately five more minutes. That was when the counter drugs would take effect, letting his thoughts slide back to the reason he was Waking on a starship, thousands of years from home. For now though, he couldn’t hold any train of thought longer than a few seconds. Eyes still closed, he smiled as he stretched, trying to enjoy it to the fullest, because a proper Wake meant this was his one hundredth time Up.
But I started thinking about Muppets and Fozzy the Bear