Hi All This is nearly done and am looking for any and all comments. Its short so I may decide to whack it down to 1K and submit as a flash. Let me know if anyone is interested in reading the full. Thanks Leslie P.s. I think this is 13, I'm on a mac so that is always a challenge.
We dangled our feet off the balcony of our apartment over the abyss. It was in a prime location, only the best for a hero of Mars. The wind whipping out of the Hebes Chasma was almost warm tonight. The atmospheric generators buried in the red dirt below must be cranking. I looked into the telescope, glad that the encroaching atmosphere was not thick enough to obscure the sharp lines of Earth and the moon peeping around her shoulder. This time tomorrow, who knew what we’d see. “Daddy, is the earth really closer?” Daisy pulled back from the telescope and eyed me, “It doesn’t look closer.” “That’s what they say, hon. Closest since 2003.” I swiveled the telescope toward me and snugged the little girl close. She squirmed against the restraint.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
The only hook here is "this time tomorrow, who knew what we'd see" (which, in conjunction with the title, makes me think this is going to be some sort of disaster story).
How powerful is this telescope, to be able to see the "sharp lines" of earth and the moon, all the way from Mars? Besides, when Earth is at its closest to Mars, it would by definition be directly in line with the Sun, and thus invisible.
Posted by LAJD (Member # 8070) on :
Hmm, good points about the telescope. I guess since the NASA site says that Mars will be visible from earth on close encounter that the same is true from Mars.
One of the LH guys is a Mars scientist, perhaps I will check with him. Thanks
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Close approaches mean by definition that the two planets are in the same position in their orbit, relative to the sun. From Earth, you will get a great view of Mars as it will be in opposition - i.e. the exact opposite side from the sun. However, looking at planets further IN is a very different matter. We can never see Venus at its closest point, because it is directly in line with the sun - and this also means that it would be invisible anyway as we would be looking at the dark side. Venus is at its brightest, in our skies, when it's furthest from the sun in terms of our perspective (I wish I could draw a diagram here, but basically it is a right angle bteween the earth-Sun and Venus-Sun lines). So similarly, Earth would be brightest from Mars in the same circumstances, and would present a roughly half-disc if the scope is big enough.
Don't worry, I've seen worse. I once critted a story that had a full moon rising at dusk, and a solar eclipse the following morning... (apart from that, it was a really good story!).
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited December 14, 2009).]
Posted by LAJD (Member # 8070) on :
Ahhhh....thanks for taking the time to explain that! I can fix this in a simple rewrite and have it be a relayed view from a satellite or the moon.....
Leslie
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Well, ignoring the telescope inconsistencies (nice explanation, tchernabyelo):
I would reword the first 2 sentences to make it clearer:
quote:We dangled our feet over the abyss from our balcony. Our apartment was in a prime location, only the best for a hero of Mars.
This passage gives me a little trouble:
quote:I looked into the telescope, glad that the encroaching atmosphere was not thick enough (I just wonder how thin the air is to not interfere with the view, but be breathable?)to obscure the sharp lines of Earth and the moon peeping around her shoulder. This time tomorrow, who knew what we’d see. (I'm not sure if this is a harbinger of the cataclysm of the title, or just a reference to anticipated interference from the thickening atmosphere)
I like the setting, and the relationship you're showing between Daddy & Daisy. Except for the title, there is no apparent tension or threat, but it's still enough for me to read further. Send me the full story if you like.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
We dangled our feet off the balcony of our apartment over the abyss. It was in a prime location, only the best for a hero of Mars. The wind whipping out of the Hebes Chasma was almost warm tonight. The atmospheric generators buried in the red dirt below must be cranking. I looked into the telescope, glad that the encroaching atmosphere was not thick enough to obscure the sharp lines of Earth and the moon peeping around her shoulder. This time tomorrow, who knew what we’d see. “Daddy, is the earth really closer?” Daisy pulled back from the telescope and eyed me, “It doesn’t look closer.” “That’s what they say, hon. Closest since 2003.” I swiveled the telescope toward me and snugged the little girl close. She squirmed against the restraint.
1. Your first word is 'we' yet who that refers to isn't clear until you mention Daisy. I would recommend starting with 'Daisy and I' or mentionning her a little earlier. Otherwise I am unable to picture the 'we' (two men, two women, a man and women, etc, etc).
Lack of clarity equals none, or limited, engagement of the reader.
2.
-...hero of mars...
This reads like a title--perhaps an unofficial one? Is it? If so you should capitalise it--Hero of Mars.
3. You could drop use of 'tonight' which seems at odds with the past tense. Perhaps you could say '...the evening wind whipping...'.
4. Sharp lines of Earth? Capitalise Earth--the girl's one.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
The hook here is mild but I like the atmosphere and tone you've set. I'll be happy to give it a read if you like.
Posted by LAJD (Member # 8070) on :
Thanks everyone. I'm going to give it a rewrite and post again when I get the issues ironed out. Leslie
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
You should try to get Phobos on this one. She is razor shrp regarding anything related to Mars or its moon, Phobos
