"223,229...227,233...233,239..." It was no good. Jake Gardick was in a mental rut and nothing was breaking him out of it. He'd slipped on his iPod, scrolled up some Gustav Maler and walked aimlessly around the university campus reciting all of the sexy primes. The power trio of atonal music, exercise and mnemonic recall usually shoved his conscious mind far enough out of the way to help him come up with new solutions. Tonight...nothing. He needed a mental kick-start or he'd never finish his quantum device.
That's when he noticed the gypsy wagon. It sat there in the middle of the quad, the last of the day's sunlight adding a technicolor gleam to its bright paint job. A spry-looking horse harnessed to the front of the wagon turned to look at him for a
First try:
Jake walked slowly around the wooden wagon, admiring the elaborate carvings that covered it. He was certain it hadn't been there yesterday. He walked down this street every day after dinner. While those walks were a great time for mulling over his thornier research problems he certainly would have noticed a brightly colored wagon such as this one. Coming around again to the front he noticed a small sign advertising tarot readings. What the hey, he thought, should be good for a lark.
"Then you'd better come in, hadn't you?" said a soft voice that still sounded amazingly clear. There was a sharp click and the door to the wagon opened slightly. Warm, inviting light leaked out and Jake found himself halfway up the tiny set of stairs without even thinking about it. He opened the door fully but then
First draft. Also first posting of my own work to the forums. I am working on a bigger project but I've been away from writing for quite some time and wanted to shake out some of the cobwebs with a few short pieces first. I'd be happy to share the whole piece with any interested readers.
[This message has been edited by TaoArtGuy (edited December 16, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by TaoArtGuy (edited December 16, 2009).]
1. I noticed a fair few adverbs. I am not adverb averse, but there are too many here serve no real purpose. By that I mean, you could do without them.
-"Then you'd better come in, hadn't you?" said a soft voice that still sounded amazingly clear.
-"Then you'd better come in, hadn't you?" said a soft, clear voice.
2. While those walks were a great time for mulling over his thornier research problems he certainly would have noticed a brightly colored wagon such as this one.
This sentence feels a little false. You are obviously trying to include some information (...thornier research problems...), but it feels jammed in, and I would question whether it needs be there at all. Surely you could weave that in later.
3. The actual start is vaguely cliche. The classic '...went for a walk and discovered something odd...' is a cliche start. I think you have done a reasonable job covering this fact. The Turkey City Lexicon covers most cliches.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 15, 2009).]
You mention "thornier research problems" without telling us what he's researching - if it's going to be relevant, tell us, if it isn't, then drop that completely.
You say it's SF but so far it has a resolutely fantasy feel to it - there is nothing to ground us in any particular time or place other than the wooden wagon that appears to be parked in a generic "street".
That said, I agree with tchern that I don't feel grounded in the story. When I read "wooden wagon" I assumed a medieval fantasy type world. When you mention "research problems" it forced me to reasses, but it's still not clear where/when this is happening.
Also, starting a SF story with a fortune teller is ... tricky. Something I've learned since coming to these forums is that the begining of your story is a promise to the reader. When you start a story about a man who goes to a fortune teller I expect a story about magic, maybe an attempt to avoid/stop her prediction from coming true, maybe a twist on that cliche. If your story is actually about aliens or something I'm going to feel cheated. Maybe skadder is right and you are starting the story at the wrong place?
I suspect the adverb overload is a side effect of my not writing enough. Have to work on that.
I now realize I have mislabeled the piece as SF. The thought that sparked it was me imagining a tarot deck that used cards depicting the elements from the periodic table. That core idea still makes it fantasy despite the scientific subjects they later apply it to. My bad.
I was about to start explaining the story more when I realized it would be better if I just rewrite it so it doesn't need the explaining. 8-)
Lots of good food for thought. Thanks again!
Now, I'm really curious about the fortune telling in a SF story, so my expectations are pretty high and I expect it to pay off.
If you're finished, I'll read it.
Thanks for the reading offer, Sunshine. It is finished and I have a copy off to you via email.
quote:
I'm impressed. That is twice by you in one day
I used to write promos for TV news. You have to work fast to meet the deadlines and keep that voracious beast fed. 8)
Thanks,
Dave Bowen