I nearly have this one wrapped up and I am looking for potential readers as well as comments regarding the first thirteen.
Perhaps it was since she had been born for the sole purpose of carrying out this research, that she did not seem to have any qualms about landing on Vos, although her team had declared it suicide. Yet, they had not seen what see had seen. They had not witnessed the awestriking symbiosis her quarantined organism samples had shared with the terran organisms aboard her remote outboard vessel. They had not seen an ordinary mouse, once put in the presence of the sample organisms, demonstrate unfathomable intelligence before methodically using its front inscisors as a glass cutter to escape its 3/18 centimeter glass habitat. It seemed silly to her that what she found most striking about this feat was that it had been cut in a perfect circle.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
The sentences are a little long and heavy. I might recommend breaking them up a bit. And in the first sentence I'd replace 'since' with 'because'.
Sounds interesting. I'll read.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Is there any reason why "she" is not given a name or identifier? The fact that she is "born for the sole purpose" is arguably intriguing (particularly as you say "born" not "created"). I am confused that she was "born for this" yet her "team" consider what she's doing suicide - a touch more clarity here would help.
The actual hook - that there seems to be some sort of intelligence-enhancing symbiote - is good but it takes a little too much work to tease it out of the prose at the moment.
Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :
The beginning sentence is a bit long, maybe a more striking and crisper sentence would fit?
I like the first 13. I'd definitely like to read the entire thing, feel free to send it to me.
Posted by adamatom (Member # 8840) on :
The premise definitely hooked me. But I definitely wouldn't keep reading if the whole story was full of runon sentences. One of them is over 30 words.
Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :
I'm still confused about "her organisms" -- she created them or they are part of her? Or both? It screws up my perception of how much stuff is her, and it is confusing.
I agree that the sentences need breaking up.
But I'd also like to read the rest.
Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :
By the way, how does an "ordinary" (do I read that as Terran?) mouse fit into a 3/18 (=1/6?) centimeter housing? (That's less than a tenth of an inch in my world.) Just curious.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I'd assumed the 3/18 centimeter referred to the thickness of the glass.
Still a slightly weird measurement, mind, given that: a). it factors down to 1/6 (drill bits, for instance, are factored down, so I have a 3/16" bit, but that comes between my 1/8" and my 1/4" bits, not my 2/16" and 4/16" bits) b). metric measurements are not usually divided by 18, or 6, or anything other than decimals.
Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :
Sorry guys about the abstract measurments. The 3/16" glass was refering to the thickness of the glass used to construct the aquarium like cage not actually referring to its diameters, and my apologees again measurements are something I just dumped out on my first draft. These little details I always go back and revise.
Thanks though for pointing them out. A slush reader will definately not email me and ask me what I meant by... so your concerns are very important in that aspect. I decided on a pretty major revision which I would like to finnish befor I send out this piece so if it is ok I will send it out tomorrow or the next day once I have completed it.
I will also work on smoothing out the intro based on the comments I have recieved before I email the MS to those who volunteered and thanks again.
~Finnias
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Send it over girl. I owe you big time for helpin me get published in that anthology.
