Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Tip of the Foil

This is topic Tip of the Foil in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Cutter McKay (Member # 8962) on :

Sci-Fi short story, 11,120 words, looking for full story critiques.

**Rewrite**
**Since Kathleen cut my entry short for being too long (thank you Kathleen) I decided to revise and cut the similes down and drop some details in order to get to the heart of the matter. Thoughts? I would love for someone to review the entire story if anyone is willing.**

The crowd pressed against the plasteel-framed police barrier like a shifting tide. Behind the blockade Officer Casey D'Arco eyed the crowd warily. The glowing plasma field humming between the frames gave the countless faces of the crowd a purple hue which made them look like talking plums. That struck Casey as funny, but the humor didn't last. Casey's anxiety quickly returned, sweeping all other emotions away.

Someone in this crowd was going to kill him today. Casey didn't have a face or even a name for his foe, but before the day was through at someone was going to put a gun against his head and pull the trigger. As he scanned the sea of people uneasily, Casey thought back to the vision he'd had earlier that day...

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 14, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Cutter McKay (edited January 15, 2010).]

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

Hi,

Some interesting wordplay in here but also some conflicting choices.

quote:
The crowd ebbed and flowed against the plasteel-framed police barrier like an incoming tide.

Ebb tides are receding tides, so that word doesn't work well with an incoming tide reference. The mariner reference also struck an odd note. I can see how you're building a little riff on the nautical theme, but I found it distracting.

quote:
Thus far, the crowd had remained calm, peaceful.

Is there a particular reason for saying "thus far" instead of "so far?" Thus just feels so Middle English and you're telling at least a near-future story.

You mention the crowd remaining calm and peaceful but you have also described them as "angry plums" and a gathering storm. That confuses me.

If I knew that someone was going to kill me (or try to) that would be the uppermost thing on my mind. That should be used to open the story and grab the reader.

[This message has been edited by TaoArtGuy (edited January 14, 2010).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Way too many similes:

Tides
Mariners and storms
Plums

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 14, 2010).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

I agree. It would read better if you removed all the similes, in fact.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

My suggestion is to cut the entire first paragraph and insert the only telling details into the second one.

Why congregation? That’s more a religious grouping. Plain old crowd works better. And insert Officer D’Arco there at the end. Like – Officer D’Arco knew as the day progressed steadily increasing anticipation, heat, hunger, and

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

The only problem I have with this is the close proximity of the first two similes. Its probably intentional, and I think it can work but if your going to do it I'd re-write a little to acknowledge the fact that your using an extended natutical simile grouping.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Okay lets examine what you have now.

quote:
The crowd pressed against the plasteel-framed police barrier like a shifting tide.

If you must insist on using this simile you will need to rethink your use of pressed. 'Pressed' implies force in one direction. I suggest surged in its place. Also, do tides really shift? You should reconsider the use of 'like' as well. Once in a paragraph is fine. Using them over and over will give your script the same feeling of listen to a skipping record. Perhaps something like...

The crowd surged against the plasteel-framed barrier. It was as if Casey D'Arco and his fellow officers were attempting to control the oncoming tide instead of an unruly mob.

quote:
Behind the blockade Officer Casey D'Arco eyed the crowd warily.

This is an info-dump, which is why I worked in Casey's name in that last line. You can work in the second half of the sentence a bit later.

quote:
The glowing plasma field humming between the frames gave the countless faces of the crowd a purple hue which made them look like talking plums. That struck Casey as funny, but the humor didn't last.

This might help if you made it a bit funnier for the reader. Maybe...

The glowing plasma field humming between the frames gave the countless faces of the crowd a purple hue, which made them look like the talking plums in the latest underwear commercial. That struck Casey as funny, at least it did for instant.

quote:
Casey's anxiety quickly returned, sweeping all other emotions away.

Right here is the pivotal point of your opening. The first half of the sentence is great. The second half throw out. The first sentence of your next paragraph would have a greater impact here. Obserb...

Casey's anxiety quickly returned, someone in this crowd was going to kill him today.

The rest is rushed in. Draw it out a bit. Lead the reader into the story and do not throw it into their face so quickly.

Just my two cents, mind you.