quote:
Golad watched in awe as the sleek red ship maneuvered inside docking bay.
“Ever see anything like it?” asked Derek. The gravity sled operator stopped to gaze at the new arrival.
Golad shook his head. “No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. How does the pilot fly it?”
“I wouldn’t know about that stuff,” said the grav operator. “I just never saw a ship that was red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust always bleach the colors away. How is this one red?”
“Good question.”
Golad crossed his arms waiting for the ship to land. He didn’t see any resting pods or indentations that would indicate landing
I’m confused. We have Derek and then we have Golad. It is unclear if one of these is the gravity sled operator. Or if we have three people here. I assume otherwise the grav operator is Derek but not positive.
If Derek is the grav operator and not a pov I have to worry about –
The gravity sled operator stopped [what? Filling out paperwork?] to study the new ship maneuvering inside the docking bay. “Ever seen anything like that?” he asked Golad.
Golad shook his head. “No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. How does the pilot fly it?”
“Beats me. What’s more, it’s red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust bleach the colors away. How is this one red?”
“Good question.” Golad crossed his arms and watched the ship ease into a berth between two space cruisers. He didn’t see any resting pods or indentations that would indicate landing gear.
It’s a nice quiet opening. Thoughtful. I like it. There’s a mystery about this ship and the two guys watching are painted in slightly by what they say and how they phrase it.
I'm interested though. You've got me for another page or so.
[This message has been edited by JSchuler (edited January 15, 2010).]
If you cut the first line then you're left with characters talking about "something" that's "somewhere". Feels a lot like withholding information.
My interest is piqued by the usual color of the ship and the voice. I'd read on. I'd drop it like a hot potato if the first like weren't there.
Maybe I'm just weird.
[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited January 16, 2010).]
I need to think about this. There is a better way to do this.
Thanks again to everyone.
"That's some weird ship," said the gravity sled operator, sidling up next to Golan.
Also, if Derek isn't an important character, you won't need to name him. Additionally, you could put some of the explanation of Golad's intrigue as internalization. E.g.
Golad looked at the sleek design. No external viewer rods. No sensor plating. Not even a window. "How does the pilot fly it?”
This would enable you to prevent the other line that I didn't like-
quote:
“I wouldn’t know about that stuff,” said the grav operator. “I just never saw a ship that was red. I thought all ships were white or gray. Hyperspace rads and particle dust always bleach the colors away. How is this one red?”
He's a gravity sled operator that knows about hyperspace rads and particle dust bleaching color, but is characterized with line like "I wouldn’t know about that stuff"? It's not so much that he shouldn't know what he does (he is some sort of expert), it's that it is an anti-curiosity type line, one used to suggest that there is a certain order of knowledge that wouldn't normally be entertained. So knowing the other interesting information, and being willing to share it with (likely) a stranger, goes against the character trait of someone that isn't readily curious.
Anyway, having two experts that find the craft interesting is certainly a hook. It doesn't matter that it could be a fresh coat of paint, because the experts say that it is unusual. Who knows, it could be a story about a new way of beating the FTL barrier, and that would interest a number of SF readers. Or even a new type of paint that mends itself, and the potential implications of that. So I would read on.