“There’s always one. No matter how much you’re warned, somebody thinks he’s figured out the system, figured he’s smarter than the rest of us, and figured he can cheat on the Citizenship Placement exam. By this time tomorrow, one of you will be out on your duff as a burnout. You’ll only see daylight on holidays and your air will be, at best, triple-recycled. Course, you won’t mind the stink of the lower levels because you’ll be a burnout. And the government doesn’t care who it burns; a cheater’s a cheater. Are there any questions?”
Jodus bit his lip to stop from laughing at the gen-mod sergeant and his rant. The irony of being lectured by a gen-mod about the importance of not using enhancements to achieve a goal was not lost on the sixteen-year-old.
The following is the original:
Jodus shuffled through the scanners at the front of the testing sight and into the room with his classmates. He scanned the room while pretending to sneeze. Metal helmets like giant, bionic tulips hung on steel stems above chairs bolted to the floor. The helmets came to life with a quiet murmur and soft glow. The front visor displayed each student’s name to tell each person where to sit. Jodus cracked his knuckles and casually turned on the hypodermal implants in his fingers and used his tongue to press his fake tooth to activate his neural implants.
A tall man in military fatigues entered from the rear of the room and marched to the front. His nostrils flared as he spoke. “There’s always one. No matter how much you’re warned,
[This message has been edited by babooher (edited January 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by babooher (edited January 28, 2010).]
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Jodus shuffled through the scanners at the front of the testing sight(s/b site) and into the room with his classmates.(not sure what you are trying to put across to us with the Jodus shuffling through the door. Is he just tired this morning? Or does he not want to be there? If not important i would just say "Jodus entered the testing site.") He scanned the room while pretending to sneeze.(LOL! I got a comical picture in my head of this. Sneezes are not very discrete, I would suggest something else, unless you going for over the top on it.) Metal helmets like giant, bionic tulips hung on steel stems above chairs bolted to the floor. The helmets came to life with a quiet murmur and soft glow. The front visor displayed each student’s name to tell each person where to sit.("to tell each person where to sit" should be deleted) Jodus cracked his knuckles and casually turned on the hypodermal implants in his fingers and used his tongue to press his fake tooth to activate his neural implants. ( I found this last sentence a bit of a mouthful, Maybe cut in 2 to make it flow better?)
A tall man in military fatigues entered from the rear of the room and marched to the front. His nostrils flared as he spoke. “There’s always one. No matter how much you’re warned,
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THe sneezing and scanning the classroom really threw me off. I would even suggest taking out the whole sentence, it's not needed. You can easily go right to the next sentence.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited January 26, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited January 26, 2010).]
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/003310.html
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/003906.html
He's so right- some of this stuff can be scrapped so you can make way for the story. For example - the techie stuff.
"Jodus cracked his knuckles and casually turned on the hypodermal implants in his fingers and used his tongue to press his fake tooth to activate his neural implants. " As interesting as it is, is it really relevant to the rest of the story? if he uses these particular items as controls and such while wearing the helmet, does it matter? We can assume as readers, that if he is doing stuff while wearing the helmet, they somehow have worked in the technology to do so. No need to spell it out. Save the words for more story.
I found it intriguing - was he trying to cheat on an exam? Or trying to spy on some new technology? How did the military guard know what he was doing, despite his attempt to hide his intentions? These are all hooks. If the idea of the story is strong enough, I don't care so much about some other story elements that others would.
One caveat, I will want to understand what the purpose of a number of the tech pieces are in the world, including helmets, hypodermal implants and neural implants, as well as the story. 1000 words may not be enough to tell that, but it might.
One sentence I didn't like was
quote:
Metal helmets like giant, bionic tulips hung on steel stems above chairs bolted to the floor.