Long shadows covered the warm summer ground as tears rolled down the cheeks that belonged to the woman Mathias called Mother. Several other women stood beside her weeping tears that were cocktailed with the bitter taste of sorrow and the sweet taste of joy. Mathias hinged at the hips to embrace each one in a long lasting hug. They each held him with a force that could have rivaled any man in the village as they squeezed him one final time. Today he began his journey toward becoming a Subject in the Superior ’s courts, pending their approval.
He kissed his Mother’s forehead as he hugged her for the last time. Her sad blue eyes expressed what everyone was thinking, but was all too proud to say out loud.
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Long shadows covered the warm summer ground as[[I would recomend splitting this into two sentences.]] tears rolled down the cheeks that belonged to the woman Mathias called Mother.[[I would consider omitting 'that belonged to'."rolled down the cheeks of the woman..." is far easier to read and nothing is lost by cutting 'belonged']] Several other women stood beside hercomma weeping tears that were cocktailed with the bitter taste of sorrow and the sweet taste of joy.[[to me, this is a wordy and overdone metaphore, but that is just my opinion. Others may like it.]] Mathias hinged at the hips to embrace[[??? to me this implies that he is able and is bending himself at the waist up to 180 degrees. The metaphore doesn't make sense to me]] each one in a longhyphenlasting hug. They each held[[?embraced?]] him with a force that could have rivaled any man in the village as they squeezed him one final time.[[see note below*]] Today he began his journey toward becoming a Subject in the Superior ’s courts, pending their approval.He kissed his Mother’s forehead as he hugged her for the last time. Her sad blue eyes expressed what everyone was thinking, but was all too proud to say out loud.
*To me, this is excessively wordy. A more concise sentence could be something like this. The strength of each womans' (last/or/final) embrace could rival that of the village's strongest man. (15 words) I think there were 23.
While this scene is written clearly, I found it mundane and thick with overwrought metaphores and wordy sentences. By writing shorter, crisper sentences you could generate more 'punch' and freee up some space to offer more elements of the scene to make it more attractive and luring to the reader. Besides the mention of his potential appointment to some Superior court, there is little here in the way of enticement and nothing of the speculative element. It is my opinion that you could almost replace that line with the young man going off to college with nearly the same result. 'Superior's courts'sounds alot like Supreme Court and I actually read it that way upon first read through.
The fact that all these women are hugging him goodbye, in essence, says something for this charater, but what is a question I didn't quite ask myself, I wasn't that interested. In retrospect, I wonder if offering a reason might make it more appealing. For all I know, he could be some progeny of them all(a genetic experiment, or a young stud that has serviced them all. The reason for their emotion might be an important element to add.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 29, 2010).]
As for this one, I think you have made this needlessly wordy. Instead of "that belonged to the woman Mathias called Mother" why not "his mother's cheek," for example?
I also think you should start closer to the main conflict. Your last story raised questions, this one just shows people saying goodbye. The setting isn't grabbing, the idea isn't particularly fresh, and I think this one isn't as cool.
[This message has been edited by babooher (edited January 29, 2010).]
Long shadows covered the warm summer ground as tears rolled down the cheeks that belonged to the woman Mathias called Mother. < Try rewording this. As-is it's a little unclear>
Several other women stood beside her weeping tears that were cocktailed with the bitter taste of sorrow and the sweet taste of joy. < ??? Beside her weeping tears??? >
Mathias hinged < Sounds too mechanical > at the hips to embrace each one in a long lasting hug. They each held him with a force that could have rivaled any man in the village as they squeezed him one final time. < Liked that! > Today he began his journey toward becoming a Subject in the Superior ’s courts, pending their approval.
He kissed his Mother’s forehead as he hugged her for the last time. Her sad blue eyes expressed what everyone was thinking, but was all too proud to say out loud.
This is just MHO, but I think you need to rework this a little. The scene just doesn't read clearly enough. But then again, you just might not have found your voice yet. Too much time can be spent on the first thirteen when you could be furthering the story. When you've gotten into the groove a little more, you can always go back and polish it.
I think there are just a few little snippety-snips you could do to make it flow a little smoother.
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Long shadows covered the warm summer ground as tears rolled down the cheeks that belonged to the woman Mathias called Mother.
I'd say "the cheeks of" rather than "the cheeks that belonged too."
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Mathias hinged at the hips to embrace each one in a long lasting hug.
The part about hinging and all comes across a little odd. I'd maybe suggest just skipping any description of his specific movements.
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could have rivaled any man in the village
I'd cut the "could have."
quote:
but was all too proud to say out loud
"were" rather than "was."
Nicely done though, good voice. The subject matter apparent so far isnt terribly interesting to me, but thats just taste. Its executed well and with those cuts I think it'd have a good flow.
I have a thread started in Character interviews that has been up for a week with not a single bite yet, but that is a less frequently visited area than fragments.
I will be glad to help you if you need a reader or if you aren't ready I can help you with any revisions you make. I disapear sometimes so if you don't see me respond shoot me an email.
I am also a big fan of less traditional or (at Hatrack) less known forms of workshopping. I have at many various times done real time plotting workshops and character development excercises with members here in a real time setting utilizing IM. I have found such sessions to be the most rewarding workshopping that I have ever done. Let me know if you might be interested in that. My schedule is very flexible so we could allot a thirty minute session any time that is convinient for you. It is exponentially more helpful to have real time brainstorming. The amount of material that can be covered is equivelant to what one might get in a month or a year via the slower current method.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 29, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 29, 2010).]