Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Blue Pearl

This is topic Blue Pearl in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

12th August 2021: 3:42pm EST--SUSAN CHOW/personal log.

I looked at Earth this morning from port T4. The motion sickness hits me whenever I watch it. It flicks in and out view, but it's still beautiful.
Like an ever-shrinking blue pearl in a sea of black.
Mission control told me I broke the record for being the farthest human from Earth this morning. Ever. I felt strangely sad, although I'd known it was going to happen. I've traveled only a fraction of the way to Mars so every moment from now on will be record breaking.
They asked me--probably the psychs wanted to know--if I felt lonely. I looked around the empty, silent craft and shook my head; this was exactly the place I'd always wanted to be.
I told them no, I wasn't lonely--I had them to talk to.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Pretty good so far. Like the log entry style. MC's voice feels remote and detached, but that seems intentional.
Edit: "It flicks in and out (of) view,"

I'm game if you want readers.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It's all I have written so far...well, a few sentences more. I wanted to see if the journal style would work for the piece.

She has an emotional distance--why she was selected for the mission--but that changes. I guess I was aiming for a self reliant person with an internal poetry about her--something she hides from mission control.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like it and think the voice is great. I could hear her voice in my head while I read. She comes across as sad, yet at peace about it. I was intrigued by her calm melancholy and that was the major hook for me.

Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :

Log entry works okay. It's beautiful and melancholy as others say, but of very little interest so far. Any way to work in a minor problem in the diagnostics readout or a hitch in the mental department to hint at what is coming? Beautiful and melancholy, even spacey don't do that for me.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Thanks for reading guys--I think I am going to go for a mix of log entries and 3rd person limited POV.

@Stutson--I take your point, but can't comment on what you've said--don't want to give away anything.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

quote:
The motion sickness hits me whenever I watch it. It flicks in and out view, but it's still beautiful.
Like an ever-shrinking blue pearl in a sea of black.

I am assuming this is because the ship she is in is spinning for the centrifugal force. It put me in mind of viewing the world from inside a clothes dryer, gives me motion sickness just thinking about it.

From what little you described of your premise it appears she has been selected for being a recluse. Would a loner really be the correct choice? Could a loner ever make it as an astronaut?

The log entries work. Opening hooks enough.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 31, 2010).]

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

quote:
She comes across as sad, yet at peace about it. I was intrigued by her calm melancholy and that was the major hook for me.

That's exactly how I felt. I really liked this. She almost has - or has- that "larger than life" quality that instantly hooks for me. It's hard to explain, but it's like I want to know more about her.

I can't offer to read now because I'm swamped by Life but, I'd love to read it. So, count me as mucho hooked.

Posted by Dame (Member # 8513) on :

Hi,

Well written, this clearly sets up the MC and her situation very quickly. I liked the tone, too, but did feel the details were a little generic. The question from the psychs could be more interesting perhaps, and I also felt she would know _exactly_ who wanted to know _what_ about her.

The last line suggested to me that she wasn't human after all. You set up very well that she is an unusual character, but she doesn't seem very clued up about her emotions and this might make her distant and difficult to relate to. (?)

"Strangely" sad? I might have thought she would have expected the sadness, too, as well as know exactly the moment when she would became the furthest human out from Earth.

Impressions of the character and story frm this? Earnest, intelligent, distant - growing to immediate, wistful... I think it could go in any amount of ways - she is clear enough for this to be an emotional thriller, or an action tale. I would read on.

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

The journal style works for the opening, and I like the voice. The one part that bothered me was the placement of "this morning." I felt that it broke the flow.

Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :

This works, for me, as is. Perhaps subtly imply a little more description of the narrator?

[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 10, 2010).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Skadder,

Two questions, neither of which I know the answer to and which probably aren't problems...

1) "This morning" mightn't be how the protag thinks of time when the day/night has become artificial...You've already given us the time in the log, so did she look out the window earlier during the "day" and then waited until the afternoon to write the log? Obviously not necessarily a problem, but I did notice the repetition of "this morning" in the first 13 and thought maybe the concept of "morning" was becoming increasingly important to her as the stress of travel wtihout night and day became a heavier burden.
2) How far out can you go before you no longer see the earth? I don't think this is an issue, but it might be a problem for science types if you ever fix the actual distance the ship has travelled.

As per the others, I liked this. The language is distancing though ("felt" filters, describing her own emotions rather than giving us the direct experience of them)...I'm guessing this is intentional.

Regards,

Nick