Hatrack River Writers Workshop: It's a Family Thing (2201 Words)

This is topic It's a Family Thing (2201 Words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :

During a phone call, when dad was abroad on some super hero mission, I asked him the origin of our abilities. He told me that many years before I was born, he stumbled upon a village during a hike through an African forest. It wasn’t on his map and he hadn’t heard about it before because their existence was supposed to be secret. And it wasn’t a typical village - Everyone there had super-human abilities.
As he was telling me the story, I was playing Zombie Marines. I was at a really intense point in the game when he was explaining why the chief chose to reward him with special abilities. Although I kept saying, “uh-uh” I did not catch the details but I planned to ask him about them later. (But I never did remember).

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

My first impressions:

MC asks Dad a question about something that I presume is not superfluous like "Dad, why didn't we get a bigger dog?" but then you tell me MC was playing a game and didn't really listen to the answer.

It seems weird to me. Even if you're a kid, you still have some level of "continuity of mental state", for lack of another term. Being curious about something that important and then quickly forgetting sounds strange to me.

Also, I find it strange that the question should be asked first during a phonecall. Not without establishing that your MC never saw his or her father first, or something like that.

I'm not hooked by this. Villages with special abilities abound in ficiton. There's nothing special about situation or character in the 1st 13.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I don't think you're close enough to the conflict on this. It is mostly an info dump.

Origin stories rarely work. I would not try to explain where the powers come from. Origin stories are normally backstory, and while you need to know it, your reader doesn't usually. Get them hooked on your character, get them hooked on the conflict, and if there is space or time enough for the origin and it is important, add it in. If you can't, don't worry. Superheroes have SECRET identities for a reason.

I've written and had published a few superhero stories and I like this field a lot. If you want to shoot your story over, I'll read.

[This message has been edited by babooher (edited February 05, 2010).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I agree that doing it over the phone is a little odd. I think the "forgetting" part could work if you establish it in the nature of the character but together with doing it over the phone it doesn't quite ring true.

As far as "origin" stories...I realize you mean in the context of superheroes which might be a little different but I think it really depends on the reader. I've had stories...recently, "The Open Hand" was one...where people clamored at me for more backstory...I had one or two tell me they were more interested in hearing more about the characters past (a major change he went through thats spoken of but not really explained) then the issue he was facing right then.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

In Stephen King's "The Body" and the film Stand By Me, I remember how the narrator tells a story as boy about a fat kid who gets his whole town to puke. At the end of the story, the narrator's friends all want more but the story's finished. The three friends might have been the audience, but the narrator was right to end the story where he did.

If you make a good superhero story, people should want to know more about the backstory. They should crave it. Doling out info piece by piece can get you a following.

Sometimes a story has to be like a stripper. If she came out all in your face, she wouldn't be really doing her job. Yeah, some people would like it, but the overall effect would be a lot less.

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

A story is like a stripper.

lol

Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :

Here's my reasoning:
A young boy's father calls him when he's out of town. He asks an important question, taking the answer lightly because he's a kid. He didn't want to be educated, he just wanted to hear something interesting, but at the time, the game got more interesting.
It wasn't meant to be a serious conversation, just a dad talking to his son who he hasn't seen for a while.
Would it sound better if I said that the father was always busy and he tried to get quality time with his son, any chance he got?

I had to include this part so that the rest of the story makes sense.

I assumed that when a human has an extraordinary ability, readers will be pissed off if you don't give them a reason why. I tried giving it in bits during the course of the story but that didn't work. That's why I'm giving it at the beginning.

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

I see. However, all this does not change how I felt about the beginning.

quote:
I assumed that when a human has an extraordinary ability, readers will be pissed off if you don't give them a reason why. I tried giving it in bits during the course of the story but that didn't work. That's why I'm giving it at the beginning.

I would like to know a bit about how the abilities came to exist, but if you give me too much you completely murder THE MYSTERY. It's like showing the monster too soon. Suspense takes a plunge and there's nothing left to wonder about.

quote:
Would it sound better if I said that the father was always busy and he tried to get quality time with his son, any chance he got?

To me, it would not make a difference. Why not show the kid with his dad, spending an afternoon together before he ships out or whatever? There are other ways you can show a father taking advantage of every free minute he has to spend with his son.

Over the phone, you can't see the face his father makes when the kid asks the question, you can add the child's thoughts about his father. You lose so much when you use a phone.

quote:
He asks an important question, taking the answer lightly because he's a kid. He didn't want to be educated, he just wanted to hear something interesting, but at the time, the game got more interesting.

Personally, as a reader, I don't buy this at all. If I understand correctly, the kid was already playing Zombie Marines by the time he asked the question. In my experience, if the kid is playing a game, his dad has lost him. At best he'll get "yes" "no" answers. The kids mind will be invested in the game, not in asking incredible important questions as an afterthought.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
assumed that when a human has an extraordinary ability, readers will be pissed off if you don't give them a reason why.

I've dealt with this issue with some characters too. My experience is, some readers will want to know a lot about why upfront, and some wont. Theres usually no way to please everyone in such circumstances, and in those sorts of circumstances I, personally, generally go with 1) whatever I like best and/or 2) whatever works best for the character/story.

Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :

Good flow (that is: an easy, quick read, which I think is a good quality for an introduction). Also, the narrator is very much portrayed; and the fact that he would tell of his family's super powers in such an offhand way would seem to make sense to me, since to them such a thing indeed would be such a matter-of-fact feature of their existence; in other words, the scene is bland, but this seems intentional. (Which is to say, Swiga, that you are recounting in your tale that the narrator is blandly and rather vaguely recounting that the narrator's dad recounted to him in a telephone conversation about x, y, and z.)

[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 10, 2010).]

Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :

Nathaniel Merrin, it's good to that someone finally gets why I chose to start the story the way I did. On the other hand, I get why other people had a problem with it.

Verdict: I have decided to rewrite the story.

I'd also like to thank Merlion-Emrys for your input (on both posts). You got my mind on the right (or at least a better) track.

[This message has been edited by Swiga Zentraedi (edited February 10, 2010).]