It was almost dark and as I closed the living room blinds, something outside caught my eye -- a luminous orange bird gliding silently towards the roof of our building. I rushed out of my apartment and up the stairs to get a closer look. On the roof, there was a man in black armor. The bird that I had seen from the window hovered next to him and parted its beak. With a shriek, it blasted a fiery orange ball at him. A glowing blue layer flashed over his body which seemed to absorb the attack. In turn, the man’s hands glowed and he fired a continuous blue beam from them that shattered the bird on impact – And then he suddenly collapsed. When I got closer to the man, I started to doubt that he was human. Close up, what I earlier assumed to be armor looked more like an insect’s exoskeleton.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Sitting at home and something strange happens is a cliche opening (also going for a stroll in neighbourhood and something strange happens). Have a look at the turkey city lexicon.
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
Skadder's right. This is cliched but you can make most of it work. It would be better to have the protagonist doing something like tending his beloved rooftop garden that gets singed just as he ducks for cover. He looks up, and there is the armored man fighting the bird beasty. That would give us a reason for the protag to be there, it is plausible, and we have the protag invested on two levels (trying to survive while also protecting his plants). Or the guy is a peeping tom who is upset because naked beauty runs to call the police because of the fight on top of her building.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I dont have a problem with the nature of the opening...cliches become that for a reason.
My issue is your descriptions are, for me, a little too matter-of-fact and deadpan. Theres little voice and little flair. Whats happening is interesting, but the way you put it is, for me, a little too simplistic.
Although I do like the word "layer" being used to help describe an energy-shield type phenomena.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I agree with the comments about having the protag closer to the action, instead of accidently noticing it outside his window.
We're in a modern urban setting, and although the protag does find the bird intriguing, he doesn't appear to have any surprise or feelings about a man in black armor being on the roof. Don't think he'd see this sort of thing often, but we don't seem to get this from him.
Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :
As much as I'd like to defend my story, y'all got good points.
Posted by bandgeek9723 (Member # 7886) on :
Interesting, and I wouldn't mind reading the rest of it if you have it, but I do have to agree with most of what has been said. Though I have to disagree with the comment regarding "layer" it strikes me as being out of place and I would try for a little more colorful adjective for it.
Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :
A scene of dueling, exotic beings unfolds before the narrator's eyes. How is he invested in what transpires?
Posted by Swiga Zentraedi (Member # 8990) on :
Nathaniel Merrin, your big words confuse me. "How is he invested in what transpires?" What exactly do you mean?
After getting replies to my first 13, I saw the faults of the story. I decided to rethink it so ask me the question on the next draft if you're still curious.
Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :
Swiga, I just meant that I wanted to know more about the observer of the stuff desribed in your 1st 13, somehow. (Maybe recast it so there IS no narrator, per se?)
Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :
Thanks for your feedback, Nathaniel Merrin. Your input is eye-opening but it can't help this particular story. I tried to rewrite the story but it's not coming together as I would like so I've decided to scrap it.
Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :
You are kind, Swiga!
By the way, I now realize that my critique here sucked eggs bigtime. All I was SPOSED to say was that I didn't relate to the narrator and that was it, without trying to get all weirdly gobblydegooky about it. Thanks!
(For example, say I'm not a fan of sci-fi combat fantasy, so I offer a critique to you, "Hey, it is tough to do 1st-person narration, counterintuitively, since readers then want to know what's going on with the guy." Then say you change what you write on that basis. But say that having an everyman narrator works very well for fans of that type tale? What would my getting into gobbledegooky analysis have accomplished but to have crimped your discovery of that possible aspect, in such a case? hence my critique technique in this instance being faulty. Sorry!)
