"Mary! I really saw one," Connie insisted.
"A fairy?" I asked, wishing she'd change the subject.
"Yes, of course!" She twirled and clapped her hands. Somehow, the actions looked appropriate in her bedroom. I'd never liked her pink walls and lacy bedspread; but, hey, friends accept each others' little quirks. So what if she should've grown out of the girly fantasy stage years ago? She's a good person.
Connie giggled then dropped onto the hideous bed with her arms splayed out to her sides. "She was amazing. So tiny. So beautiful."
She's a good person, I reminded myself. Kind. Cheerful. Making
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Complete at 1,600 words. Comments on the first 13 are welcome. I'd also like readers of the entire story.
I would have paragraphed differently:
"A fairy?" I asked, wishing she'd change the subject.
"Yes, of course!" She twirled and clapped her hands.
Somehow, the actions looked appropriate in her bedroom. I'd never liked her pink walls and lacy bedspread; but, hey, friends accept each others' little quirks. So what if she should've grown out of the girly fantasy stage years ago? She's a good person.
Connie giggled then dropped onto the hideous bed with her arms splayed out to her sides. "She was amazing. So tiny. So beautiful."
I think a paragraph attached to dialogue should reflect actions and thoughts of the speaker, but you carried on with your thoughts and opinions--not the speaker's. You may have done this get what you wanted in the 13 lines, but I thought I'd point it out just incase it wasn't purposeful.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 06, 2010).]
The story is gray (rather than cheery or dark) and isn't so much about fairies than the relationship between these two characters. Does anyone want to read the rest?
How long can you wait? I was going on an overseas holiday for three weeks, but I can print out some reading material...
Nick
Maybe fill in the scene with even sharper details?