Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sisters, F, 4,200 words

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Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi guys,

*Edit* Well, I've had a shot at re-writing the entire thing to make it live up to the 1st 13.

If anyone new wanted to read it as well as existing readers, I'd really appreciate it.

Cheers,

Nick

Version 1

quote:
Every morning before dawn,‭ ‬when all is dark as the bottom of the sea,‭ ‬I turn my head from my sister and‭ ‬pretend we are not conjoined.‭ ‬I dream we are not welded together from breast to stomach.‭ ‬I dream I am not destined to‭ ‬cast spells until my sister dies‭ ‬and then I die after.‭
In these dreams,‭ ‬I walk straight.‭ ‬I do not crab-scuttle with her.‭ ‬I walk alone and proud and men look at me because I am pretty.‭ ‬And I would be pretty if we‭ ‬were not joined.‭ ‬Men would want to warm my bed,‭ ‬but my bed is always filled by my sister.‭
"Are they here yet Mary‭?" ‬my sister said,‭ ‬half-asleep.‭ ‭ ‬She is the weaker twin and the battery of‭ ‬my power.

Version 2

quote:
Every morning before dawn, when all was as dark as the bottom of the sea, I used to turn my head from my sister and pretend we were not conjoined. I dreamed we were not fused from breast to stomach. I dreamed I was not destined to cast spells until Isabella died. In my dreams, I walked straight. I did not crab-scuttle with her. Alone and proud, men stared at me. They wanted to warm my bed, but when I woke, she was always there.
"When do we fight this wizard?" Isabella said. She was the fuel of my magic. If she died from my spells, I could shed her remains like a snake sloughing off its skin. To be alone and ordinary, all I had to do was cast enough spells to murder her. But if I cast no spells, she drained my life.

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 17, 2010).]

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

It works for me. I would definitely keep reading.
~Sheena

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Yep, very promising opening, hooking both in terms of character (conjoined twin) and plot (the spells/battery thing).

I'd read on.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Very nice. Besides what everyone else has said, you had me at "bottom of the sea." I have an affinity for the bottom of the sea.

Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :

Takes the "I'm in bed in the morning and I'm drifing off into a dream" cliche and makes something good, and enticing about the character, out of it.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Thanks everyone. Hopefully a good start (for a few people at least) leads to a decent story.

Cheers,

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 12, 2010).]

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

Very nice flow. I would keep reading.

Posted by Pyre Dynasty (Member # 1947) on :

Nice, but the word battery seems out of place for me perhaps it isn't and will seem appropriate once we have more of the setting. It wouldn't keep me from reading on.

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

A comma is appropriate before the character's name. Though, the comma's absence doesn't detract from the opening's appeal. This looks like a good start.

Posted by Sunshine (Member # 3701) on :

I loved this opening. Like another said, the word "battery" made me pause, but it wouldn't keep me from reading on.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Very nice opening - would definitely continue reading.

Nits:
The battery bothered me, too. Unless you show a technology in the story that is more modern than I think of when "spells" are involved. Perhaps just "source" or "reservoir"?

I am a sloppy reader - I thought it said "when all is dark at the bottom of the sea", so I was in the wrong setting until I reread. Might want to reword it slightly to help challenged people like me.

Again, a very nice, solid, hooky opening.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the crits. I've removed the use of the "battery"; though my original plot had it technologically appropriate, I ended up changing the time period.

Anyway, this one is finished at around 4,200 words. Not as good as I had hoped. If anyone wanted to critique over the next few weeks (aiming for an anthology with a 31st March deadline), it would be greatly appreciated. I am overseas with limited internet access, so I mightn't reply to email straight away.

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

What anthology out of curiosity?

I'd like to read but I'm not going to offer for sure until I am more organized and haven't just taken a muscle relaxer.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Merlion,

"The way of the wizard" anthology, edited by J.J Adams. Is that the one you're aiming for with your wizard story? Bloody impossible to get into, but I figured I may as well aim high. Send me an email if you want to, but there's no obligation or pressure.

Nick

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
"The way of the wizard" anthology, edited by J.J Adams. Is that the one you're aiming for with your wizard story?

You mean "The Open Hand?" No. I write stories about wizards on a very regular basis...almost any time I write "high" fantasy my protaganist is a mage. Not always but usually.

I have submitted to The Way of the Wizard, but I refuse to have anything further to do with it directly because...

quote:
Bloody impossible to get into, but I figured I may as well aim high

Not only do his anthologies generally contain only stories from well established authors...its not even that thats just all he accepts or that he solicits them from what I understand he looks for reprints from established, famous writers to fill them. I personally believe that putting it on Duotrope and doing an "open" call for submissions is little more than a marketing ploy. I know a couple of people that bought or considered buying previous anthologies of his in order to get a better idea what he's after...and I think thats the only reason for the "open" call. We'll see when it comes out, but I very seriously doubt there will be a single story in there from a non-established author. I consider the whole thing a bit shady.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 21, 2010).]

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Merlion,

I'd make that assumption with any pro-market anthology...if they're going to make money, they're probably not going to have many (if any) unknown names. The upside is that he's usually very quick with rejections; he's not going to sit on it forever.

Nick

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

quote:
I'd make that assumption with any pro-market anthology...if they're going to make money, they're probably not going to have many (if any) unknown names

There are pro-paying anthologies that include plenty of non big-name authors. The Dark Faith anthology that I was almost published in paid pro rates and includes primarily people I've never heard of, including two first-time authors.

So, again...it sounds to me like that particular editor (for Way of the Wizard) is using the open submission call as a marketing ploy, and one I consider underhanded. I do not think any non-famous author has essentially any chance whatsoever of acceptance. Maybe I'm totally wrong but it just feels very fishy to me as far as that goes.

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 22, 2010).]

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

I still owe you a critique, so send it my way if you want another set of eyes on it.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks, I've tried to send it (trying from hotel internet, dodgy computers, etc.).

Ms Wentworth, is it possible to title this "Sisters, F, 4,200 words"?

Regards,

Nick

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
Ms Wentworth, is it possible to title this "Sisters, F, 4,200 words"?

Oh!

Were you talking to me?

If so, yes. I'll take care of it.

(See, this is proof that people can't tell me apart from KD Wentworth. You have to look at our eyes--she has blue eyes and I have brown eyes.)

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Argghhh! I was thinking of replying to Merlion's disparaging of the WOTF competition in the general discussion thread and then I changed my mind...but I was obviously still thinking of WOTF. A thousand apologies Ms. Woodbury.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

No problem, Nick T.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi everyone,

Thought I might bump this to see if anyone else was interested in reading...

Nick

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

I'll give it a read if you're still needing another set of eyes.

Posted by Posie70 (Member # 9036) on :

I actually liked the use of "battery" to describe the sister as the energy source that fuels the power of the spells.

Good start, I'd keep reading.

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

Hi, Nick. Feel free to send me the rest of the story. I don't mind that it's longer than "Connie's".

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Ah, I also thought we started out at the bottom of the sea, up until I read someone else's comment on that.

And I was thrown by the weaker sister providing the power.

Otherwise, well done!!!

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Thanks Mrs Brown.

Posted by MistWolf (Member # 9049) on :

Wonderful opening, full of promise. Hate, love, self delusion, faith, addiction, co-dependency just for starters and a very dark closet of the soul to keep it all in.

One small nit to pick- are they traveling while in bed, perhaps on a sea voyage or on a train? Thirteen lines can be a harsh mistress

Posted by DivineDistorter (Member # 9092) on :

welded seems a bit "modern" too. Not sure what the timeline is but if you are nixing battery anyway perhaps "fused" would be a more fitting word... just my 2cp

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi guys,

Sorry, I didn't realise there were further messages and neglected to give thanks for the critiques.

As an aside, I looked up both "fused" and "welded" online. Welded is actually older than fused, which surprised me (early 1600s versus mid-1600s). Either way, they expose a gap between author voice and character voice, so I'll have to do something about the word (battery was eliminated).

Nick

Posted by Betsy Hammer (Member # 8139) on :

I'm really late to the game, but I just have to echo everyone else. Gorgeous. Absolute gorgeous. I had chills, and I'm not exaggerating.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Betsy,

Thanks for your comments. I only wish I could have stuck the 1st 13 on a better story .

Nick

Posted by rich (Member # 8140) on :

Not really sure why I wandered in here, but I think your first 13 are (is?) great, Nick T.

I'm obviously way late to be of any help re: the anthology, but "battery" and "welded" work for me. And if you don't think the story is up to the opening, well...fix it. Also, as long as I'm giving advice and telling people what to do, don't take Betsy's comments too much to heart. She gets chills reading Green Eggs and Ham.

Seriously. Great opening.

Posted by Betsy Hammer (Member # 8139) on :

Ignore that guy. He's just jealous I didn't say it to him.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

quote:
She gets chills reading Green Eggs and Ham.

Innocent protagonist gets stalked by insistent crazy creature who harangues and badgers him to eat "green eggs and ham" despite all his protests. Eventually he gives in (probably inspired by a strange variant of Stockhausen syndrome). What's not chilling about that?

And I wish I knew how to make it a better story, I really do. Enough people gave enough critiques on this to make it a good story if I had any damn talent. Instead, it's well on its way to being buried in a drawer after receiving too many rejections.

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 01, 2010).]

Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :

Nick,
I've read this and I hope you don't mind if I comment on where I think your talent level is.

Your imagination is top notch. Plus, I can still recall many of the visuals from your story, so those stuck.

It seems like you're like the pitcher who can throw 100 mph but can't always hit the strike zone. The talent's there, it just has to be honed in, focused.

Time and practice will do that. I have a feeling it's going to all come together for you.

Axe

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Axeminister,

Thanks. I know my strengths, but there are too many weaknesses (specifically plotting and tension). Anyway, everything after the 1st 13 is back on the drawing board.

Nick

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

*Bump*

Posted by JenniferHicks (Member # 8201) on :

Nick, send it along. I enjoyed it the first time, and I'm curious as to how you've revised it.

Posted by SteveR (Member # 9128) on :

You've got my attention. I'm a little disappointed in the second paragraph, which seems to be background for my benefit, but it's done unobtrusively enough, and the snake skin thing rocks, so I'm still with you. The final line, though, that's a downer for me. It feels completely explanatory - here's the rules. I'd rather discover that particular facet as the plot escalates. It's a great complication, so why not use it as a complication to escalate tension as we progress into the story middle?

Nice job. I'd be happy to crit the story.