General critique is also welcomed. If you would like me to read one of your first 13, please say so. I am all for returning the favor.
SET UP OPENING
Angry at the world, at the way it was, at the way it was not. Angry because of all the suffering, the sickness, the poverty. Angry at God for not doing anything about it. Angry at himself for not being smarter, stronger, better than he was. Angry at being lied to and cheated. Angry for having a dead-beat job, or an unfaithful lover. Angry because he didn't have the power to change it, or because he was too scared to change it. Just angry because being angry was so damn easy.
No other emotion possessed him like anger, transformed him into a different person, so that they saw a monster. No, the monster.
If there was a ruler of darkness, if there was a leader of demons, his name was Anger. This was his story as much as it was Johnny's.
SCENE OPENING
Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What? Did I not put it on right?"
She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head. "You really going to wear that one?"
She could never just leave him alone about how he dressed. She always had something to complain about. "I like this tie."
"Okay, geez, don't get angry."
Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Angry?" He spun around and stared her in the eyes. "You want to see me angry, huh? You want me to get pissed off? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
quote:
Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What? Did I not put it on right?"
quote:
She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head. "You really going to wear that one?"
quote:
She could never just leave him alone about how he dressed. She always had something to complain about. "I like this tie."
quote:
"Okay, geez, don't get angry."
quote:
Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Angry?" He spun around and stared her in the eyes. "You want to see me angry, huh? You want me to get pissed off? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
quote:
Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
In the second one, I feel his "I like this tie" isn't in itself enough to provoke the "geez don't get angry" response. I'd recomend ramping up both characters early dialogue and reactions a bit...at the moment, for me, his tantrum at the end of the fragment seems to come a bit more out of the blue than I figure you are intending.
But, at this point, I don't have a strong enough idea of where the story is heading to give more useful insight.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 10, 2010).]
Here is a rewrite of the scene. I think it works much better now, thanks to your advice.
PART TWO
Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What now?"
She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head. "You really going to wear that one?"
She always had something to complain about. "God, stop hovering."
"Okay, geez. Just calm down, Mr. Angry."
Adrenaline shot through Johnny as he slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "You're trying to piss me off, huh? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
She backed into the closet, as if trying to get as far from him as possible.
Edit: I would mention though, although it isnt a big deal, usually for convience you put all your versions up top in the first post.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 10, 2010).]
When Johnny went crashing into the doorway that led into the bathroom, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the wall mirror. He thought he saw a stranger, and seeing that dampened his anger.
Damn, Johnny, what are you doing? Even his thoughts sounded foreign to him.
quote:
Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place
I feel “hard” is redundant given the “gripped”.
quote:
as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What? Did I not put it on right?"
quote:
She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head.
quote:
Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Angry?" He spun around and stared her in the eyes. "You want to see me angry, huh? You want me to get pissed off? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
quote:
She backed into the closet , as if trying to get as far from him as possible.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 10, 2010).]