The Book was a myth. A pure legend. Something out of fantastic fantasy. It was supposed to be the emblem of lost generations, or at the very least, something that we could follow. Sort of like one of those old-fashioned battle standards. Of course, those legends also involved the vaporization of several enemy armies—repeatedly, on top of that—and the complete and utter defeat of a god. I suppose that part of the legends was what compelled Command to send us to this godforsaken, hell-blasted, wind-swept, desolate wasteland. Because every legend has a bit of truth behind it. I personally held no faith in old legends of Eden. I reserved my faith for cold steel and the weight of an Obliterator rifle in my hands.
Right, so suggestions?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 16, 2010).]
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Uh.... I think you might have went over the first thirteen limit
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
Maybe you're new
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited February 16, 2010).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
This opening looks very, very familiar. Not in a plageristic way but it reads so common that it borders on cliche.
Not bad but the set up is dragging, IMO.
Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :
Beware redundancies. Watch out for these: fantastic fantasy - by definition, fantasy is fantastic. complete and utter - by definition, complete and utter are the same thing. Both may elicit negative impressions from your readers.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
I like it. I like the strength of the voice. I like the apparent blend of fantasy and sci fi (it does put me in mind a little of what I know of Warhammer 40k, but thats not a bad thing.)
"Fantastic fantasy" is a teeny bit odd, but I think I get what you're going for with it.
Complete and utter is redundant, but its also accurate to how a lot of people actually talk/think. I use that phrase all the time INRL.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I'm comfortable with it - the start reads like epic fantasy, and by the end of the 1st 13 you've let me in on the sci-fi variation before the image in my mind is to solidly set to be shifted. Good character intro through a clear voice
Nit: Which part of the legends compelled Command? If it was the army vaporization AND the defeat of the god, that reads as two separate parts, so I would reword it to "I suppose those parts of the legends were what compelled Command..."
Posted by Discipulus (Member # 9005) on :
Oops. Forgot that. Thanks.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
I feel like you're trying to give us too much information on what the story is about rather than telling us the story. Maybe slow it down a bit and have your MC responding to some new piece of information or situation. Here I feel like I'm getting something of a history lesson.