The subheadings in bold that give oxygen readings are used for scene breaks.
Version 5 -- I know, I know, how many versions can you have?
quote:
The contract was explicit: there was no going home from Mars. To Lewis, that was the easy part and the least of his concerns, requiring nothing more than for him to take the six month journey, and then live out his days never again meeting the people that he had left behind. Rather, it was the points that had seemed trivial at the time of signing that now caused him to question his ability to live up to expectation. He’d been meaning to talk to Reid, but the time never seemed right, and there was always another emergency to be dealt with.“Lewis, get your bunny suit on. We’re going outside.” There was no stress in Reid’s voice, but his accent, which became more West Coast, betrayed his sense of urgency. “I want to check on the pumps. The oxygen volume is down.”
Version 4
quote:
The contract was very explicit: Mars was a one way trip, there was no going home. That, thought Lewis, was the easy part. Other aspects of the agreement, which at the time he had dismissed as unimportant, he now realised were much harder to live up to. He’d been meaning to broach his concerns with Reid, but the time never seemed right, and there was always another emergency to be dealt with.“Lewis, get your bunny suit on, we’re going outside.” There was no stress in Reid’s voice, but his accent, which became more West Coast, betrayed his sense of urgency. “I want to check on the pumps, the oxygen readings are slightly down.”
“Something serious?” Lewis said. “I was just on my way to hydroponics.”
Version 3:
quote:
Mars was a one way trip, there was no going home. It said so in the contract.Oxygen atmospheric volume (habitation module): 19.1%
Lewis recycled his breakfast without tasting it; he just couldn’t face it.
“Get your bunny suit on, Lewis, we’re going outside. Oxygen readings are slightly down, and I want to check on the pumps.” There was no stress in Reid’s voice, but his accent, which became more West Coast when he was excited, betrayed his sense of urgency.
“Something wrong, chief?” Lewis asked. “I was just on my way to
Version 2:
quote:
Mars was a one way trip, there was no going home. It said so in the contract.Oxygen atmospheric volume (habitation module): 19.1%
Lewis recycled his breakfast without tasting it; in the end, he just couldn’t face it.
“Come on, Lewis, get your bunny suit on, we’re going outside. Oxygen readings are slightly down, and I want to check on the pumps.” There was no stress in Reid’s voice, but there was a sense of urgency. His accent always became more pronounced – more mid-western – when he was excited.
“Something wrong, chief?” Lewis asked. “I was just on my way to
Original:
quote:
Mars was a one way trip, there was no going home… it said so in the contract.Oxygen atmospheric volume (habitation module): 19.1%
Lewis could see his own reflection in the observation window, it looked troubled.
“Come on, get your bunny suit on. We’re going outside.” There was no stress in Reid’s voice, but there was a sense of urgency. His accent always became more pronounced when he became excited.
“Something wrong, chief?” Lewis scratched his head, distracted. “I was just going to hydroponics to check on the
[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited February 22, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited February 23, 2010).]
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[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited February 25, 2010).]
I DO like the opening line. Go ahead and make it two sentences.
The third line doesn’t really do anything for me. You SEEM to be hinting at trouble but it is too vague.
Use the bunny suit line to introduce the characters. Like -- “Come on, Lewis. Get your bunny suit on. We’re going outside.” Reid sounded urgent.
Hmmm actually that way Reid doesn’t sound urgent at all. Urgent might be more like – “Get your bunny suit on. We’re going out right now.” Reid sounded urgent.
The bit about Reid’s accent bothers me because I don’t hear/see any accent in what he says. I also do not see/feel that Reid is excited. You say “no stress,” “sense of urgency,” and “excited” – it’s too much for me to take in all those emotions at the same moment. I’m confused. I do not know what is going on and you are not building a clear picture for me.
This may be personal preference but Lewis’s head scratching intrudes. And, distracted? Drop that bit and leave his reply to come in response without any sort of beat. It would make the interchange stronger and give you more space in the first 13 to catch a reader’s interest.
Again, just my opinion.
Specific suggestions:
First sentence - lose the elipses... Not necessary in my opinion, stands stronger as two sentences.
Agree, you could put in Lewis' name to the dialog line of Reid's. "Come on, Lewis, get your bunny suit on." It would help solidify who is who. It might also be a way to avoid the previous line, which I found a little too...obvious. I just can't see anyone looking at their reflection and having the observation that their face looked troubled. Not to open a can of worms, but it strikes me as too telling. I'd rather be in Lewis' head and feel what he's feeling, than see it in a reflection. Does that make sense? If he's freaking out about the 19.1% o2 level, then have him think that. Or have him NOT think that (this is something i probably do too much of in my own work -
"Lewis was trying not to freak out about how low the oxygen level was getting. He saw his reflection in the observation window and noticed the furrow in his brow. He didn't want his crew to see him like this, he worked at smoothing his brow and erasing the signs of worry from his face. When Reid started talking, he turned to him with a smile at Reid's thick accent, which always..."
Just some ideas to play with there, nothing great, but trying to give you an idea of what I meant. Feel free to use or completely ignore.
I don't agree with arikki about the accent. One of my pet peeves in writing is excessive use of colloquial spellings and accented things in dialogue. I hate hate hate it, so it's just me, but I'd much rather hear a tell of "his accent became more pronounced..." than to have you try to write it with "Ve must go out ov doors zis instant!" Might be just me, but I encourage you to stay away from accent-writing (or, if you feel compelled, do it once in the first line of dialogue from that character, then after that reference his accent but write normally. "His accent made the rs trill and the vs turn to fs..." or whatever. I think it's r's, but again, whatever.
Last para - if Lewis is distracted, I would expect that to be a component of his previous para when he can see his own reflection. or in his initial reaction to the dialogue coming from Reid - e.g., "Lewis, scratching his head distractedly (note - I'm a believer of occasional adverbs, and right now I can't think how to reword to remove it so...there you have it.) turned toward Reid with a blank expression on his face. "Something wrong?..."
But honestly, these are little things. I think you've got a strong hook and a good start. I can't offer to read more right now (time issues) but I would continue reading.
If you're interested, 19.1% O2 is slightly low, it might be fluctuation, or problem, they don't know yet. They're trained and hardened astronauts and it's not time to panic yet. I might be starting the story in the wrong place, but I'm setting up a second, personal problem for Lewis to play alongside the main plot and need a bit of room to develop it before the problems start.
Lewis is my POV chartacter, so I need an intro before Reid starts talking, otherwise the reader will automatically fly into Reid's head and get confused later when they find the story being told from Lewis's perspective. I'll have to come up with a better line than him looking at a reflection, I agree, on second reading ... uh, what was I thinking!
[This message has been edited by Dropbear (edited February 23, 2010).]
I've worked a clue into Reid's dialogue in the second version, hopeful that helps clarify.
I'm totally in nitpicky mode here, suggest taking out the "in the end" of the breakfast line. it's probably just an artifact of the kind of fiction I've been reading lately, but a lot of the books I've read in the last month or two use this as a teaser/foreshadowing for the future and it can get a little aggravating. e.g., "he'd regret skipping this meal later." (you know, because the little green martians had them pinned under some rocks miles from their base with no food or supplies...) It just smacks of that, it's not exactly what you're saying, but for that reason I'd take out the "in the end" phrase.
And...again, total nitpick, but being a midwesterner...er, one of the funny things that linguists like about the midwest is that the accent is really subtle. Midwesterners are often picked as newscasters (radio and tv) because a midwestern accent is slight and easy to soften out of a person's speech. People like the automated voice on voicemail or voice prompts on call center programs are often programmed to sound midwestern because of the aforementioned subtle, slight, small accent.
So to have his MIDWESTERN accent become more pronounced when he was excited stopped me dead. (And when I said dead, I say it like the color red...not like dee-ad, the way someone from the south might...lol) Personal thing, but I'd suggest using something else...maybe a New Orleans drawl or something fun like patois, or have him be from russian, ukraine, or uganda, or somewhere else. And when someone with an accent is excited and the accent becomes more pronounced, it's often because they are talking faster than usual. Just another way you might go at the characterization there.
ANYWAY - sorry to nitpick. Please know it's just because I like the piece! 
I don't spend this time on things that don't hold my interest.
Nits are absolutely fine. The only thing I hate is when I post something and I don't get much of a response.
I only picked midwestern because as an Australian who spent a little time in America, that was the only accent I could reliably place. I mean, I could hear that others had a different accent, but I couldn't place it on a map.
I've already got a Russian character, and want to show a multinational force in my story. I've just noted Reid as an American, and left it at that.
So, the question is, where in the US is your American character from? We can then help out with an appropriate accent.
Some very minor nits...I'll offer to read the whole thing if you can wait a few weeks (currently travelling in New Zealand, so I can't print out stuff).
For me, the fact that Lewis recycles his breakfast without tasting it probably gets across his attitude to the food (I may be underplaying it).
The dialog seems a bit formal and long for two people who are probably very familiar with each other. For example, would he bother stating Lewis' name? I'd envision it as something like "Get your bunny suit on. Oxygen's slightly down, I want to check on the pumps."
As a fellow Australian, I'm not sure if Mid-Western is an especially distinctive accent. To my (untutored) ears, it's always seemed like a fairly generic "American" accent to me.
I'd agree with the others; pick a more distinctive accent. It doesn't really matter, because you won't be writing it in dialect, just saying that Reid has an xyz accent.
Cheers,
Nick
NickT, hope you enjoy NZ, I found it one of the most beautiful countries in the world when I was there for the millenium. And the NZer sure have an accent, don't they?! Thanks for offer to read, drop me an email when you're back in town, and we'll see if I've mailed it off by then or not.
"Under Phobos"= Beneath me(phobos) hehehehehe
Also funny is I am a New Zealander that spends almost half a year in L.A. so I get the West Coast accent.
anyway, all goofballing aside. I liked this. It wasn't really gripping ,but I would turn the page. I like the second revision. Two things to consider; the intro line seemed somewhat disassociated. I get it but it didn't resonate through the rest of the mood set by the action. And the line about the atmospheric oxygen level seemed disjoined. One reason could be that I was unable to tell if it was announced(by a computer) or read from a monitor or what. It seemed to appear out of the blue.
I'll give it a go. I study Mars alot so I may be able to offer some good insight.
[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited February 24, 2010).]
I love New Zealand, it's a great country. I'll email you when I get home.
Nick
In my opinion, you've lost something by the 5th version. We do all work and work and work on our fiction, but sometimes the work we do engineers something out of the piece, and I'm afraid you're headed in that direction with version 5. Version 4 is fine, as is version 3. They're two pretty different approaches to introducing things, but each has its benefits. I think in version 4 you accomplish some stage-setting via narrative that is useful. Version 3 leaves a little more left unsaid. It's up to you (and the readers who read the whole thing) to decide if the things unsaid in version 3 will drive people batty or not. If you answer the questions raised in version 3 within the next 20 lines, you're probably in good shape. If you just leave things up in the air and don't come back to them, maybe not so great.
Good luck with this, I can tell you've worked hard on it.
PS to me west coasters sound a lot like us midwesterners. I know the difference, a deep Chicago (my town) accent has a certain turn to the vowel sounds, a hard nasal thing, that's less common out west. If you're still needing something, you could pull out either "his New England accent..." (which is illustrated really well in the movie Good Will Hunting. A Boston accent is extremely specific and easy to pick out.) or what most of us in the midwest think of as an accent, a southern one. Often referred to as something like; "his southern drawl became more pronounced the more he drank." Most obvious example would be former present Bush, who puts on a bit of a show with his accent in my opinion, but has a twang to his speech. It's different than what a real deep south accent sounds like, but I was trying to think of examples that you might have heard before. I know it's this tiny bit of your story and doesn't matter, I just am offering information that you can use or ignore, on the hopes that this tiny little thing doesn't stick out like a sore thumb to people.